


a million little times

by OverTheMoonShine



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Coming of Age, Dubious Consent, Grooming, Hurt/Comfort, Idol AU, Idol Worship, M/M, Toxic Relationships, harrassment, idol Kihyun, idol hyungwon, idol minhyuk, indulgent song lyrics, manager hyunwoo, this is going to hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:13:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverTheMoonShine/pseuds/OverTheMoonShine
Summary: It starts with a note stuck to his car's windshield, CHAE HYUNGWON written in such large bold handwriting that it’s evident the author doesn’t even fathom the concept of subtlety.or: lessons in why you should never meet your heroes.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Minhyuk
Comments: 8
Kudos: 38





	a million little times

**Author's Note:**

> an accompanying playlist for this fic can be found [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7qQSaOG0nm7OA9uP4t8PxX?si=_-98O2D9R-S87G5amXUNEw)
> 
> made a little [mood board](https://twitter.com/legofroggo/status/1308395708077101057?s=21%22) too
> 
> please read the tags! it gets pretty dark at some parts of the fic

If you had asked Chae Hyungwon a year ago, fresh off his debut as soloist H.One in the cut-throat industry of manufactured pop songs and tightly choreographed dances, _What do you love most about being an idol?_

He would have answered, eyes sparkling wide with earnestness, _The fans - of course, and sharing my music with them_. 

Despite it being an answer that’s parroted by both industry seniors and juniors - the same words paraphrased into endless permutations you’d think fans would be sick of by now - there’s something believably sincere about Hyungwon that makes you want to root for him, is what the publications said. Could it be his large eyes and plump lips, the journalists gushed, or all the accounts of his impeccable manners and how polite he is to all he meets? 

But the idol scene is a savage one. Even with his well-mannered, pleasant charm, his discography of catchy hits about the innocence of first love and 

_meeting eyes across the fountain of youth  
_ _honey, i wish we could stay this way forever immortalised in each other’s gaze_ , 

H.One ends his first year with no awards nor titles to show for it.

“Don’t worry about me,” he says, in a video he posts up on his Twitter page, after seeing some fans crying about letting him down. It’s filmed in his family home, his head pillowed on a worn-out looking sofa shoulder. “Let’s go into 2019 together with our heads held high. Good things will come.”

What famous last words indeed.

-

It starts with a note stuck to his car's windshield, _CHAE HYUNGWON_ written in such large bold handwriting that it’s evident the author doesn’t even fathom the concept of subtlety.

Hyungwon has the sense to pluck the note off the seat and stuff it into his pocket, before his manager notices the tightly folded piece of paper. At age 19, the agency, Moon Line Entertainment, is more protective over him than the other older and admittedly more experienced artistes they manage. 

(While a great comfort to Hyungwon’s parents, who had tearfully bidded him goodbye five years ago when he moved to Seoul to train as an idol, Hyungwon can’t help but wonder if it’s also because the agency’s just doing what all companies - from meat-packing to publishing - do best: protect their capital.)

The little note jumps up and down in his pocket as the car glides over speed-bumps on the way home. It feels like it’s glowing red hot, and Hyungwon has to look down to see if there’s a small fire in his pocket instead. 

_i knew i was yours when i saw my name written in your hand  
_ _they told me, never give your name away  
_ _you’ll lose yourself if you do  
_ _but what do i do, if you had it from the start_ \- 

he scrambles to pull his notebook out of his bag to scribble down the lyrics, and his manager, Hyunwoo, chuckles from the front-seat, well used to this behaviour. 

“By the way, Hyungwonnie, you’ll be auditioning to be an emcee for Music Champion. I’ll pass you the lines to memorise later.”

Hyungwon wrinkles his nose, says the words as if he’s trying out a new flavour (it’s not quite to his taste), “An emcee?”

“It’d be good exposure for you.”

“I guess,” he answers, slumping in his seat slightly, like a balloon that’s just about to deflate. “If you say so.” 

Hyunwoo laughs at the little act of petulance, more endeared than anything. “Would it help if I told you who’s already been confirmed as the other emcee?”

“Maybe.”

“It’s - ” and here, Hyungwon can see Hyunwoo’s eyes glittering with mischief in the mirror. “Hyuk.”

A blackhole opens in the car, and it’s suddenly a vacuum in which Hyungwon can’t quite breathe in. Somehow, he manages to answer, a single syllable produced with the only precious air left in his lungs, “Oh.”

(It is his first press conference, and he has just been announced as H.One. The cameras are going off, short bursts of light like stars combusting in the dark night-sky; and Hyungwon has to take in a deep breath, then another, to steady himself against the heat of the camera bulbs.

No one warned him how hot it literally would be standing up here, in front of everyone.

Question: _Who is the one idol you would want to collaborate with in the future?_

“Um,” Hyungwon ducks his head as pink blooms across his cheeks. “I’d like to work with Hyuk-sunbaenim one day.” 

The crowd nods in understanding - Hyuk is one of _the performers_ in the industry. It’s hard not to gain an emotional attachment to an idol you’ve seen literally growing up, and Hyuk breaking into the idol scene at the tender age of 15, with his sunshine smile and charismatic personality has done just that. Even with the on-and-off dating rumours that swirl about his personal life (something that remarkably most of his fans just coo adoringly over, like proud parents watching over their son), Hyuk’s star-power and appeal is undeniable.

“I admire his stage presence and performance. He’s really cool.”

One of the journalists ventures, “I heard you auditioned for Moon Line Entertainment with one of Hyuk’s songs.”

Hyungwon is sure he’s about to have a heat-stroke on stage, “Y - yea, I did Whale Song.”

The journalist chuckles appreciatively. Whale Song was Hyuk’s debut stage - a bright, youthful performance about _going on an adventure together, you and i, let’s head towards the place where we’re happiest together!_

“So would you call yourself a fanboy?”

Hyungwon pauses, and looks up at Hyunwoo, who’s standing at the back of the room, his arms folded. His manager tilts his head, _go on_ , and Hyungwon relaxes. He lets out a small embarrassed laugh, his cheeks going a deeper shade of pink as the audience cooes, “Yea, I’m, uh, a Firecracker too.”

 _Firecracker_ , the word is thick on his tongue, and as the reporters chuckle at his shyness, he can’t help but wonder when he’d have a name to call people of his own too.)

-

When Hyungwon is finally alone, his long fingers shake as they undo the note, pressed so tight it’s as if the person had leaned their entire strength onto the letter to keep it close.

The writing is sprawling across the page, as bold and dark as his name had been on the front:

 _hey cutie  
_ _heard we may work together soon  
_ _call me  
_ _\- Minhyuk_

Underneath his signature (signed with such a flourish, Hyungwon imagines trumpets in his head, announcing its arrival), is Hyuk’s - Minhyuk’s - phone number, written neatly, a contrast from the almost unintelligible scrawl of a message above. 

His hands are definitely not trembling when he holds the tip of the note, and tears it cleanly down the side. Tears it again into half, into quarters, once again, until all that’s left is confetti around him, but he can still see his name like neon lights flashing: 

_Minhyuk_

_Minhyuk_

_Minhyuk._

-

(He runs over the lines in the script so many times, he can see the words floating in front of him, even when he closes his eyes.

Imagines what it’d be like if he really does stand side by side with Hyuk on stage - joking around as if they were actually equals.

Imagines their hands brushing casually as they’re standing side by side, the heat of Hyuk’s smile directed towards him, and only him. Filling him with more warmth that he thinks he’ll ever know.)

-

The next time he sees Hyuk, it’s after he finishes his audition for Music Champion. 

Hyungwon doesn’t think he did _that_ bad a job, although he knows he’d messed up a few lines and maybe wasn’t as breezy and funny as the other idols he knows are auditioning for the role as well. “Don’t worry so much about it,” Hyunwoo tells him, seeing his frown. “You’ve done your best, that’s what counts.”

Hyungwon spots Hyuk first: leaning against Hyungwon’s car (well, his company’s car, to be exact - he hasn’t quite earned enough to purchase a vehicle as expensive as this yet). The older idol is sipping on an iced Americano, scrolling through his phone and looking like he doesn’t have a care in the world. With the blue sky as a backdrop behind him, he could almost be shooting an advertisement and Hyungwon has to take a moment to catch his breath. 

Noticing him approaching, Hyuk straightens up, looking oddly angelic even in the leather jacket, ripped jeans ensemble he’s in. It is then (like he could ever forget) that Hyungwon remembers, there’s a reason why Hyuk is named the National Sweetheart. He watches Hyungwon make his way across the car-park, never taking his eyes off him, a cross between a smile and something more, on his face.

“Hey there,” Hyuk says with a wink when Hyungwon’s finally at the car, and Hyungwon thanks every single lucky star in the universe that Hyunwoo and his driver are still caught up in the main building, busy with some administrative nonsense his brain failed to register. “It’s rude to ignore someone like that you know.”

Half in disbelief that this isn’t part of some strange lucid-dream he’s having, Hyungwon blurts out, forgoing all proper introductions and manners (Kihyun would be disappointed in him), “How did you even get into my car?”

Hyuk laughs, and his eyes dance with mischief. It’s intoxicating to have his full attention fixed on him, and Hyungwon finds himself leaning in somewhat, drawn to Hyuk’s orbit. Hyuk says, in what must be a normal volume but feels like a whisper, the words brushing against Hyungwon’s skin and setting it alight, “Let’s just say, it isn’t very hard to pick locks.”

“That’s illegal,” Hyungwon cringes at his response, at how pointedly _uncool_ he is in contrast with the idol standing before him. They are only four years apart but there might as well be a giant canyon between them, with Hyungwon standing on one side, wondering how he’ll ever get across. All he can do is look down, and wonder how long the fall actually is, if he takes a leap and ends up failing to land on solid ground on the other side.

There’s a long pause. Hyuk doesn’t even hide that he’s scanning Hyungwon, like he’s making an assessment, so blatantly that Hyungwon can feel his eyes run up and down. His face is completely blank and Hyungwon’s throat goes dry. 

Then Hyuk breaks into a slow smile, and Hyungwon is glad he still has the sense of mind not to keel over, “Cute, you pass this time”

He walks over and passes Hyungwon a note, his fingers lingering in Hyungwon’s palm. The contact sends tingles through Hyungwon’s veins, tracing its way up through his arm to his heart, “Don’t lose it again.”

When Hyunwoo and his driver finally make it to the car, they find a dazed Hyungwon, who’s still staring at the empty space where Hyuk had been standing. “You okay?” Hyunwoo asks, concerned, as they climb into the car. 

Hyungwon nods his head, although all he can think of are Hyuk’s parting words, “ _It’s your turn baby, I’ll be waiting_.”

-

Hyunwoo calls him the next day at an ungodly hour (i.e. 8am), and tells him that he’s been casted as the emcee of Music Champion, alongside Hyuk. “This is a good opportunity,” Hyunwoo’s excitement is palpable in the way he’s trying to keep himself from gushing. “I’m so proud of you.”

Before Hyungwon can drift back to sleep, mind already swirling with fantasy scenarios of what this news means for him, his phone buzzes again, jolting him back into the land of the living:

 _Unknown Number  
_ congrats baby  
don’t leave me hanging again okay?

-

His origin story - _Question: What inspired you to be an idol?_ \- is pretty typical, as most origin stories go. 

It must have been about 7 - 8 years ago, when Hyungwon was still a half-formed human being, that he saw Hyuk on television. If he had been 12 at that time, Hyuk must have been 16 - a child himself, although he certainly didn’t seem like it, when he appeared on the screen.

Hyungwon doesn’t remember why he was at home that afternoon instead of being in school, he must have been sick or something. Whatever it was, the fact of the matter was that, rather than sitting in class trying to cram the formula for the Pythagoras theorem into his head or wondering if he’d be picked last again at PE, he was sitting in front of the television, mouth open, entranced by the person singing and dancing before him.

Perhaps it was the confidence that Hyuk exuded on stage, how despite being almost stick-thin like Hyungwon, he seemed to own every inch of his body, a master of his own physical form. How sharp and steady each of his movements were, how stable his voice remained, even through what looked like an utterly exhausting performance. 

_Him_ , Hyungwon had decided, surprising himself with the conviction that bloomed within him, _I want to be just like him._

-

 _Hyungwon  
_ Hello Hyuk-sunbaenim  
Thank you very much  
I’m looking forward to working with you

_Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ finally  
i was getting impatient  
you don’t have to be so formal

 _Hyungwon  
_ Right  
Sorry  
I mean  
Thank you

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ cute  
see you baby

Rehearsals start earlier than he expects, starting with Hyunwoo handing him a script to go over just the day after, saying, “We’ll be meeting Hyuk and the music show producers on Friday. It’d be good to go over this first.”

Hyungwon’s brows pull together in a frown, as he counts the number of days. It’s Wednesday, so that leaves him with little over two days to get ready. 

“It’ll go fine. You think too much at your age.” Hyunwoo laughs and nudges him gently, jolting him out of the downward spiral of his thoughts. “Besides, you’re a good kid, it’s impossible for you not to charm him.”

“That’s -” _baby_ and the thought of showing Hyunwoo the texts from the previous day flash in his mind for the briefest second, but he squashes down the idea. Wants to keep this, along with the note, squirrelled away and hidden, just for him and him alone. Hyunwoo’s looking at him curiously though, and Hyungwon stammers out, his mouth dry, “Th - that’s good, right?”

He’s never been very good at keeping secrets, and it must show on his face that he’s not saying something, because Hyunwoo pauses for a long moment. It’s not uncomfortable, he’s well used to the silence between them as Hyunwoo mulls over his reply. 

“What’s most important is staying true to yourself,” Hyunwoo says, in the end, with all the composure of a real adult who’s found himself.

A cross between a laugh and a scoff bubbles out of Hyungwon’s throat, so unexpected is Hyunwoo’s answer. He clasps both hands over his mouth, although he’s too late to stop the humour that tumbles out in wheezy laughter. “You’re a grandpa, you know.”

Hyunwoo shrugs, and Hyungwon feels the slightest bite of jealousy. They are only five years apart, yet it might as well be centuries, and he wonders when he’ll ever be as comfortable with himself as Hyunwoo seems to be. “If that’s who I am, that’s who I am.”

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_do i get a kiss when we meet?

 _Hyungwon  
_ Um  
Did you send this to the wrong person?

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ just kidding ;)  
i’m counting down the days  
2

“Hey, you okay?” Kihyun’s question breaks through the fog of his thoughts, along with the sharp jab the older idol had kindly delivered to his ribs.

Hyungwon sticks his tongue out in childish retaliation, “Yea.”

Unfazed, Kihyun turns back to the meal in front of him, primly cutting a proper bite-size portion of his breakfast omelette. They’re out on their supposedly-weekly-but-whenever-works! meal dates, a tradition dating back from when Hyungwon had just joined Moon Line Ent. and Kihyun had all but adopted him, with the enthusiasm of a parent going through empty nest syndrome after their first-born child moves out. The parenting complex only intensified when Hyunwoo came into the picture as his manager when Hyungwon was sixteen, two years to his debut; the two banding together to raise him as their own, growing into something of a tiny dysfunctional trio of two co-parents and one lanky child. “It’s not so early in the morning for you to be _this_ spaced out.”

“I was just thinking about something,” Hyungwon mumbles around the bite of toast he barely remembers ordering. 

“About hosting with Hyuk?” 

Hyungwon startles, sure that Kihyun knows about the texts. But his heart beat slows when Kihyun continues, his tone empathetic, “It’s always intimidating to meet idols like that.”

“No wonder I’m always so comfortable around you,” Hyungwon can’t resist the jibe. It’s a lie, of course, he’d been quaking like a tiny foal learning to walk when Kihyun (preparing for his debut, already earmarked for success) had first approached him all those years ago. _Training is difficult but it’s worth it_ , he had said, nice enough not to comment on then-Hyungwon’s runny nose and red-rimmed eyes, _I miss being home too. It gets better, but until then, you can come to me if you need any help._

“Yea yea,” Kihyun shakes his head, the insults are well worn. “Just remember, you’re not any lesser than he is. Be yourself and be confident.”

“You and Hyunwoo-hyung are exactly the same,” Hyungwon points out, and wonders why Kihyun’s cheeks turn the slightest shade of pink at the comment.

Before his mind can coalesce his suspicions into a proper reason (it’s hovering, right there at the edge of his consciousness), Kihyun scoffs and swats at him, “When you’re my age, you’ll see.”

_-_

_Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ 1  
can’t wait to see you tomorrow baby

“You WHAT?” Changkyun’s voice erupts as a burst of static, and Hyungwon has to hold the phone away from his ears as the younger boy’s volume increases with his excitement. Even a distance away, he can make out what Changkyun is practically screaming, “Who cares about winning an award when you’re meeting the MAN OF YOUR DREAMS?”

“He’s not,” Hyungwon cuts in quickly, before Changkyun can break the speakers on his phone. It would be easy to tell Changkyun about the weird texts he’s been receiving, the one-sided conversation that surely was just Hyuk being extremely friendly rather than anything else. Of everyone in the world, the boy - just one year younger than him, although that mattered little in their more-than-a-decade-old best-friends-since-childhood friendship - would be the ideal person to confide in. 

But when he opens his mouth, this comes out instead, in a false jokey tone that he doesn’t think Changkyun would buy, “And you cried for days when I didn’t win anything last year.”

The younger boy lets out a dismissive scoff, much to Hyungwon’s relief. All the acting classes the company has been sending him to has been paying off. “That was the old me. The new me knows you’ve another prize waiting for you.”

“Thanks for being supportive of my music career.” Despite his dead-pan, Hyungwon is grateful for his best friend’s undying support though - he had been the first person he’d confessed his dream of being an idol to, the person who had followed him to the open auditions Moon Line Ent. held in their home-town, then cried as hard as Hyungwon did when they got the letter, _Congratulations Chae Hyungwon, we would like to welcome you to the Moon Line Entertainment family._

“Remember me when you’re rich and famous! You and Hyuk could adopt me, I’ll be the cutest baby you have.”

“That’s not funny,” the word triggers something in him, a mix of anger and something that feels a little like guilt curling at the bottom of his stomach. He ignores it and continues, although unable to keep the irritation from his voice, “We’re just colleagues, alright? I haven’t even met him.”

“Alright, I’m sorry, I got carried away.”

“Sorry too -” Hyungwon starts to say, just as Changkyun continues, “I know you’re gonna be great. You’re gonna be the best one day, hyung!”

“Thanks Kyunnie.”

“I love you!” the younger boy sings into the receiver, the sting of being snapped at all but forgotten. 

Smiling, despite himself, Hyungwon answers, a reply that’s well practiced with their many years of friendship, that still remains true no matter how many times he’s said it, “Love you too.”

-

It is their first meeting and even with Kihyun’s advice in his mind, Hyungwon is shaking so badly, it’s possible that he may vibrate out of this plane of existence. Hyunwoo’s hand on his shoulder is the only thing anchoring him to this physical plane, and the manager smiles at him, “Breathe.”

The lungful of fresh air helps the slightest bit, especially when the doors open and in walks Hyuk, shining like the sun he truly is. The idol looks straight at Hyungwon, an unreadable expression for the slightest of moments ( _do i get a kiss when we meet?_ ) before he breaks out into that million-watt smile of his. That one that has charmed the nation, stealing and breaking hearts wherever the light takes it.

“Sorry, I’m late!” he chirps, falling into a deep bow - one which Hyungwon quickly jumps to his feet to return with a, “Nice to meet you Huyk-sunbaenim.”

“Minhyuk’s fine,” he answers with a lazy wave. Hyungwon imagines the briefest flash of a smirk that ghosts over Hyuk - _Minhyuk_ ’’s lips. It melts into a warm smile as Minhyuk takes a seat across the table from him. Hyungwon is sure he’s sweating so much that the chair will be water-stained when he finally has the strength in his legs to stand up.

Between Minhyuk’s and the Music Champion producer and surprisingly the usually quiet Hyunwoo, there is much chatter and loud laughter. Hyungwon stands slightly to the side, feeling much like a kid that’s been brought out to hang with his parents’ friends, nervous about saying anything that betrays how dumb he really is.

The producer slides a knowing glance at Hyungwon. He chuckles, and gestures towards the door, “Hyunwoo-ssi, how about we leave these two kids alone for a while to get to know each other.”

Hyunwoo locks eyes with Hyungwon, _you’ll be fine,_ he shoots a telepathic message over, in response to the panic that is evident in Hyungwon’s eyes, _stay calm!_

Only when the two are gone, the door closing with a definitive thud that sounds a lot like Hyungwon’s doom, does Hyungwon dare to look at Minhyuk again. Realises with a start that the older idol has been watching him the whole time, the same warm smile on his face.

 _do i get a kiss when we meet?  
_ _do i get a kiss when we meet?  
_ _do i get a kiss when we meet?_

Hyungwon’s phone is heavy in his pocket, like a stone that’s dragging him down into the murky depths of the ocean below. Nothing in his training as a trainee has prepared him for this moment, should he bring it up? Would it be rude to?

“I’ve been following you,” Minhyuk says pleasantly, dragging him from underwater back to the surface. “Maybe since your debut.”

“You have?” the words tumble out of his mouth, his eyes widening in both surprise and undeniable delight.

“Of course, I keep my eye on all the cuties. And you’re number 1.” From anyone else, it would have sounded disingenuous, but there’s an easy confidence in Minhyuk’s words, as if it’s undeniable that whatever he says _has_ to be true.

Despite himself, Hyungwon feels his lips curl upwards in a smile. 

“I liked your last comeback,” Minhyuk continues, kindling a tiny spark that starts in Hyungwon’s stomach. The warmth rolls in slow waves across the rest of his body, the flames lick at his fingers, causes them to tingle with each word Minhyuk says. “Your lyrics are good - you write your own songs, don’t you?”

“Thank you but we didn’t win - “

“Music show wins aren’t everything. You’ll be top, one day.”

“You think so?” Hyungwon doesn’t mean to sound like a child asking for the confirmation that fairy-tales are real, that there really are fairies gamboling around our beds every night, only coming into view when our eyes are shut and we’ve tumbled into dreamland.

Minhyuk grins, his dark eyes dancing, “Just follow my lead, I’ll show you the way.”

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_don’t be so shy next time we meet baby

 _Hyungwon  
_ It was really nice meeting you today  
Thank you sunbaenim

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_you should come over to my place one day

He’s in Minhyuk’s apartment, a glass of wine gathering condensation in front of him. The liquid is a deep red, so dark it looks almost like blood, in the dim lighting. Hyungwon lets out a breath - tries to keep it steady - and pulls his attention back to the present.

Minhyuk is sitting across from him on the couch, one leg tucked under the other, swirling his own glass around. The liquid sloshes in it, turns once, twice, gathers enough momentum to form a tiny blood whirlpool of its own. He looks up at Hyungwon and asks lightly, like he’s asking for Hyungwon’s opinion about the wine (it’s nice, tart - well, Hyungwon honestly doesn’t know because Hyunwoo prefers soju and that’s all they seem to drink on the rare times Hyunwoo agrees to drinking together because Kihyun always tutts disapprovingly after, _you’re too young to turn into an alcoholic like that ahjussi_ ), “So, what do you think?” 

The offer: _I’ll keep it simple. Let’s meet in private, twice, maybe thrice a week. Just the two of us, and no one else._ Now Hyungwon may not be a top student, but it doesn’t take much of a genius to read into the true boundaries of the older idol’s request. _It’ll just be a secret, something fun to do when we’re MCing together. It’s important that co-hosts have good chemistry together._

“What’s in it for you?” Hyungwon answers, surprising himself with how calm he sounds, when his heart is pounding so hard, it feels like you could almost see its rhythm tattooed on his chest. 

_We can just hang out, whatever you’re comfortable with._

Minhyuk fixes him in a gaze that freezes him from head to toe. Then a smirk spreads across his face, as he closes the gap between the two of them, leans in so close that Hyungwon can feel the breath of his answer against his lips, “Everything, baby.”

The unasked question that’s swirling in Hyungwon’s mind: _why me, when you can have anyone else?_ But Minhyuk’s attention is intoxicating and he’s all but drowning in it, scrabbling to find a way out as he’s sucked into the depths of the ocean down, down below.

There’s not much thinking left to be done at this point honestly, and Hyungwon can only let things take their natural course. He lifts his head up to meet Minhyuk’s lips, and lets the scorching heat of his kiss burn all other thoughts away.

(The next day when Hyunwoo asks, “Did your meeting with Minhyuk-ssi go well?”

All Hyungwon can say, the memory of Minhyuk’s dark eyes and greedy hands, wandering and wandering, trying to find skin underneath, until Hyungwon has the sense of mind to stop him, is, “Minhyuk-sunbaenim just wanted to give me some tips for hosting. He knows it’s my first time.”

It isn’t a lie exactly, yet it seems to pass Hyunwoo because his frown collapses into a grin, “That’s good to hear. I’m proud of you, Hyungwon. You’ve worked really hard.”

 _Damn baby,_ Minhyuk presses the words against Hyungwon’s lips, ignites an intensity in his limbs he never thought possible of feeling, _you’re gorgeous you know_.

“Thank you, hyung.”)

-

Before Minhyuk, Hyungwon had only kissed two other people.

The first is Changkyun, years ago in Gwangju, one day after school. He’s 13 (a year before he moves to Seoul to start his life as a trainee) and Changkyun is 12, and bored out of their minds from the piles of homework they had been saddled with.

“What do you think it’d be like to kiss a boy?” Changkyun asks, in that recently acquired abnormally deep voice of his. Was still figuring out the dips and crests of his new voice, already pleased with how it seemed to lend weight to whatever he said. He looks at Hyungwon, keeps his lips pressed together in case laughter spills out. 

_I think I like boys, maybe_ , was something that Hyungwon had quietly told Changkyun the week before. Although he quickly added, as Changkyun opened his mouth to say something, _But I don’t like you - I mean, I like you as my best friend, but not in that way you know. So don’t worry._

Changkyun had rolled his eyes, tutting, _I was going to say, I think I may like boys too. Sheesh, calm down._

“I don’t know,” Hyungwon drawls, although they both know he’s lying about this. It’d be an exaggeration to say he’s spent a lot of time thinking about what it’s like to kiss a boy, much less anyone else, but it would be a lie to say he wasn’t curious. Whatever it is, wherever this conversation ends up going, it is already infinitely more interesting than the boring Science problem he’s trying to work out, and he flips his textbook close. “Are you asking me to try?”

Changkyun’s laughter chortles out in short barks, as he tries to catch his breath at the same time, “As long as you don’t get a crush on me afterwards.”

Rolling his eyes, even as he slides towards Changkyun, dragging his butt across his carpeted floor, Hyungwon answers, “I’ve better taste than that.”

“Okay then, kiss me hyung,” Changkyun pushes his lips together in an exaggerated pout, and Hyungwon obliges him, his heart in his mouth. 

In the end, for all their lame build-up, it only lasts a couple of seconds (honestly, it felt like a lot longer) before the two pull away at the same time, Changkyun even having the audacity to look faintly disgusted.

“Hm, I thought it’d be more exciting than this,” he comments, wiping his lips dry - an entirely unnecessary move given how chaste their kiss had been.

Completely in agreement, Hyungwon reaches for his textbook, mind already back on the dry Physics problem he’d abandoned just a few moments before. “Better luck next time, I guess.” 

The second, and only other person he had ever kissed before Minhyuk, is Kihyun.

It’s in his second year of being a trainee - still a mess of gangly sweaty limbs at age fifteen, his muscles and throat constantly sore from the gamut of dance practices, physical conditioning sessions and vocal practices the agency puts all trainees through. 

Kihyun, in his then infinite kindness (they had yet to reach the bickering point of their relationship, yet to settle into that comfortable cadence of insult-insult-insult-sincere conversation-insult that the present day pair had fallen into), had taken Hyungwon out for dinner, knowing all too well the hellish treatment that trainees had to endure. 

“I found this new seafood place,” he says, as they step into the cool air of the night. “I think you’d like it.”

“But you don’t like seafood though,” Hyungwon points out, even as his stomach expresses its stamp of approval through a loud unabashed growl.

Kihyun laughs, taking a step closer to muss up Hyungwon’s hair, “Yea, but you do.”

Blame it on the exhaustion, blame it on the fact that he was miles away from his family, that it had been a long while since he had any physical contact with such affection. Blame it on the misalignment of the stars short-circuiting his brain, but he closes the gap between him and the older boy, leaning down to press a kiss against Kihyun’s lips.

He thinks he sees fireworks, imagines that this would be the turning point in his time in Seoul. 

Kihyun hesitates only for a split second, before he brings his hands up to Hyungwon’s shoulders, and graciously moves him away. “Hyungwon,” he says, as gentle as the night breeze, the faint stars twinkling in the inky sky overhead. ”No.”

It is Kihyun’s hands, still on his shoulders, that keep him in place, instead of giving into the impulse to run away into the darkness, quitting the company, and never showing his face to the older boy ever again. His face is burning, red hot, and Hyungwon can barely look Kihyun in the eye as he says, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t like you that way. I love you like a little brother,” Kihyun continues, and the sheer gentleness in his voice makes Hyungwon want to break down and cry. “But what’s more important is that, even if I did, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to start anything with you.”

“Appropriate?” the question sounds like it’s asked by a being outside of Hyungwon’s body, faint and far away.

The bewilderment must show on his face, because Kihyun only chuckles, his cheeks full with amusement. “Because you’re not in a good place to be in a relationship right now, and I’m not even talking about the company’s dating ban. It’d be like taking advantage of you.” 

“R - right.”

“Focus on yourself first, everything else will fall in place after,” Kihyun continues, dropping his hands from Hyungwon’s shoulders. The warmth is gone from his hands, but Hyungwon isn’t as cold as he thought he’d feel. His stomach lets out another loud growl again, clearly upset at being ignored - especially for something as trivial as Hyungwon’s jilted feelings. Kihyun lets out another laugh, and the tension between them melts. “Seems like a good time to get dinner. Shall we?”

“Thanks hyung.” He falls in step with Kihyun, as they start towards the seafood restaurant again.

“Don’t worry about it,” Kihyun answers easily, jostling him playfully. “You’ll find someone.”

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_shall we go on a date?

 _Hyungwon  
_A date?

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_i’ll pick you up at 7pm

Minhyuk pulls up outside his apartment (a fancier name for what his home actually is: a tiny one-bedroom with a small kitchen and a tiny area that _could_ be the living room area, since Hyunwoo and Kihyun had helped him squeeze a couch in there - a concession that Moon Line Ent had made, given that he debuted as a soloist rather than in a group, thinking it’d be cruel to put him with a group of boys destined to coalesce into a family while Hyungwon watched, alone, from the outside) He has one hand on the steering wheel and sunglasses on, despite the sky turning steadily darker.

“You look good, baby,” Minhyuk says. Even with the shades, Hyungwon can almost feel the way his eyes rake over him, relieved that his outfit’s (black baseball cap, denim jacket, white t-shirt, ripped jeans) passed his cool inspection. Minhyuk’s in the same leather jacket he was in the first day they met at the carpark. He’s dressed in all black - it’s simple, but it doesn’t stop Hyungwon’s knees from going weak. Minhyuk smirks, “Are you gonna get in?”

They end up at a small fun-fair, held at the edge of Hongdae. Sometime between sharing a large cotton-candy together (Hyungwon gets a small tuft in his hair which Minhyuk tenderly sweeps off, although the spot is still sticky after) and screaming their lungs out on the pirate-ship ride (their knuckles touching each other, as they grip the bar in front of them tightly, clinging on for their very dear lives), Hyungwon looks at Minhyuk, who is stunning against the backdrop of carousel lights and the cheery sounds of couples and families celebrating their time together.

Minhyuk catches his eye, and smiles - sweeter than the cotton-candy coated on their finger-tips. The moment is electric, more intimate than the kisses they’ve traded in what now feels like a life-time ago. Hyungwon holds his breath, as he tries to memorise everything about the scene before him, before it swirls away, locks it into lyrics he can pocket in his heart, return to over and over.

 _your gaze is a container for my form to take shape in  
__until you found me, i was just a whisper in the clouds  
__hold me tight so that i_ _can feel the outlines of myself  
__please never look away, before i disappear again_

He breathes out, his lungs aflame.

_[HOT] HYUK SPOTTED WITH H.ONE - POSSIBLE COLLABORATION?_

_Prince of k-pop Hyuk was seen with newbie H. One at a carnival in Hongdae, last evening. The two have not been pictured together before, although there are rumours that H. One has been eyeing the MC-position beside Hyuk for Music Champion. Is this a hint that his audition had gone smoothly?_

_Hyunwoo-hyung  
_ Let me know next time if you’re going out with Hyuk-ssi  
The management isn’t very happy with the news leaking like that

 _Hyungwon  
_ I’m sorry  
I didn’t think about that

 _Hyunwoo-hyung  
_ It’s alright  
They’re just being tough, it’s free publicity for you after all  
I’m glad you’re getting along with him!  
I was worried to be honest

 _Hyungwon  
_ Thanks hyung  
I’m glad too :)

-

Kissing Minhyuk feels like being cast out at sea.

The Sun is scorching overhead, the relentless heat pounding down on you, as you grapple to stay afloat on the surface. No matter which direction you look in, it’s just the sea, stretching out endlessly. The dark blue glitters in the distance, in the Sun’s attention, like sapphires ready for the plucking. 

Each kick is a miracle, with the waves that wash over your head, indifferent to the tiny being in their presence, the one that’s paddling and paddling - _don’t worry baby, we’ll go at your pace_. The sea is relentless, the currents underneath hook onto your ankles, wanting to drag you down, down into the unexplored depths below.

(Hyungwon is careful - he is the product of Kihyun’s cautious nagging and Hyunwoo’s considered deliberation after all - never lets things get too out of hand, never lets his judgement be drowned out with _baby, baby, whatever you’re comfortable with baby, but baby, don’t you trust me?_ )

At some point, a distant point in the future that’s more an eventuality than a possibility, both the sea and the swimmer know: it is easier to stop the needless resistance, and let the sea claim you, take you to wherever, whenever it desires you to be.

 _with each kiss, i give a part of myself  
_ _like breath sucked from my lungs,  
_ _like a candle burning at both ends,  
_ _like the darkness before dawn,  
_ _only in your embrace, am i alive again_

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ see you again tmr  
dream of me tonight  
i’ll be dreaming of you

 _Kyun  
_ hyunggggggggggggg  
good luck!  
if you’re nervous imagine everyone in their underwear  
or would that make things worse  
idk  
i’m cheering for u!!

 _Kihyun-hyung  
_ You’re going to be amazing tomorrow  
I’ll treat you to dinner after  
Stay calm and remember, you’re talented and amazing  
I’m proud of you!

The first Music Champion recording, Hyungwon is so nervous, he feels light-headed. 

Minhyuk is a professional - riffing off the cue-cards they have, emanating enough warmth to put the guest idols and groups at ease during the short interviews but not so much that he overpowers them and steals away the spotlight. He swoops in when Hyungwon, in his nervousness, flubs a line, his mouth moving ahead to form unintelligible syllables before his brain has time to catch up. “Hyungwonnie,” Minhyuk laughs, bright and brilliant, shaking a finger. He pulls an exaggerated pout for the camera, before winking. “I know I’m handsome, but don’t get too distracted, alright?”

“It’s hard not to be,” Hyungwon says, before he can think the words through. The crowd screams in response, evidently agreeing. Even amidst the noise, there is the briefest of pause and something steely flashes behind Minhyuk’s eyes. 

Hyungwon doesn’t have time to back-peddle, attempt to spin his statement that now sounds almost like a confession rather than light-hearted teasing into something else, but Minhyuk’s already gushing into the mic, overly apologetic so it’s obvious, it’s _obvious_ that this is just a joke, “Ah, everyone! Please forgive Hyungwon, it’s his first time here.” He presses his hands together, “He doesn’t know what he’s saying!”

Apart from that tiny blip - a moment he would choose to forget, if not for the way that Minhyuk had looked, in that split second - the rest of the recording goes well. When the red recording light of the camera finally flicks off, Hyungwon feels like he’s all ready to slump on the floor - the adrenaline from his nerves evaporating from his blood-stream immediately, leaving behind only the sticky exhaustion that comes with recording for a few continuous hours with little breaks coupled with his sleepless night before. 

He turns to thank Minhyuk, but the older idol’s already stalked off to the other end of the stage, waving to the crowd as he strides back-stage towards the dressing room. An uneasy feeling coils around the pit of his stomach, as he bows and bows again, thanking the fans for coming, thanks the crew for their work, bids goodbye to everyone, waves and waves until his hand feels like it’s about to fall off, the muscles on his face atrophying into a plastic smile.

Minhyuk materialises in the corridor. He all but shoves Hyungwon into a supply closet, off the side of the dressing room, swings the door close quietly and locks it shut. 

“I’m sorr -” Hyungwon can’t get the words out in time, before Minhyuk’s arm is pressed against his throat, his elbow tilted upwards, digs hard against Hyungwon’s cheek. Even if he had the breath to finish his apology, the fire in Minhyuk’s eyes scorches all possible words away. 

“Don’t pull that again,” Minhyuk starts in a whisper, each word slow and vicious, as he leans in and adds more weight against the blackening corners of Hyungwon’s vision. “You understand me?”

He tries to say _yes_ but his lungs refuse. Minhyuk presses in harder. The ring of darkness closes around Minhyuk, a tunnel-vision of anger and disgust. It’s only now that a tiniest pin-prick of fear dots his consciousness. Hyungwon manages a nod. 

It takes Minhyuk a second, then he releases his hold, and Hyungwon folds over to the ground, gasping for air at Minyhuk’s feet. 

Moments pass - he’s not sure how long, is busy trying to fill his lungs with oxygen - before he feels a hand on his arm, helping him gently back up to his feet. He leans into the touch.

“Are you alright, baby?” Minhyuk asks softly, all hard edges gone. His hands come up to Hyungwon’s face, flutter across his features like it’s too precious to touch. He peppers gentle kisses across, like little points of light forming a constellation across his face. “You’re not mad, are you? You did a good job just now, but you shouldn’t have been so dumb with saying things like that on camera.”

Hyungwon doesn’t trust himself to speak, can feel the slightest hint of a sob pushing its way up his aching throat. He holds it down firmly, _you did a good job just now_ , flickering in his heart, as Minhyuk’s hands dance down the side of his face, trail down his arms, circle his waist.

Lets the sob be quieted as Minhyuk pulls him in for a kiss, then another, and another.

-

Hyungwon knows he shouldn’t have mentioned how often he’s meeting up with Minhyuk, when he finally has the time to have dinner with Kihyun again. Maybe he wouldn’t have if Hyunwoo had joined them for the meal, but his manager had mentioned having other plans. 

(“I’m meeting Hoseok. You remember him, don’t you?” Hyungwon has a faint memory of a fair-skinned man with a marshmallow smile, but who looked like he could rip Hyungwon into half, judging from the muscles barely restrained by his plain t-shirt. They had met at a dance class that Hyunwoo attended outside of the agency, although he’d laughed when Hyungwon asked him once if he ever thought of auditioning, _I don’t think I’m cut out to be an idol. I just like dancing._

Hoseok had been the instructor of the class Hyunwoo liked to frequent or something like that, Hyungwon isn't sure, can’t quite remember the details. “We’d already said we would get dinner together after.” 

When Hyungwon had relayed this to Kihyun, Kihyun had rolled his eyes, his lips thin.)

Whatever the reason is, it comes out, somehow. Maybe Hyungwon says it wrong, although all he’d said was _We’ve been hanging out, outside of rehearsals,_ because Kihyun is immediately on guard.

“Lee Minhyuk?” Kihyun scoffs, so pointedly that Hyungwon can almost see the puff of air that’s pushed out of his pursed lips. When Kihyun acts like this, Hyungwon can’t help but think that the older idol is much older than the three years between them. “He’d eat you alive.”

“I wouldn’t mind it,” Hyungwon answers, the answer slipping out before he realises how it sounds, how close to the truth it actually is. Like a genie out the bottle, he has to finish the thought, has to pronounce his wish no matter how terrible its real-life consequences end up being. His cheeks are coloured pink, and steadily heats up with each word, as he firmly refuses to acknowledge the memory of the previous night bubbling to the surface, “Being devoured by him.”

Raising an eyebrow, Kihyun considers Hyungwon for a long unnerving moment, thoroughly unimpressed. “It’s your funeral.”

“There’s a reason why there’s the word fun in ‘funeral’,” Hyungwon points out, thankful that Kihyun doesn’t have the ability to read minds.

“Sure, whatever you say,” Kihyun pats his shoulder in such a pitying manner Hyungwon knows Kihyun is already planning his wake in his head. “Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“Hyunwoo-hyung didn’t have a problem with him.”

“That’s because _he_ is an idiot that believes in the best of everyone,” Kihyun says this with more venom than necessary, given that the two of them are usually united on whatever parental front they’ve decided to raise Hyungwon with at that moment. He stabs at the tonkatsu in front of him and a chunk of it violently falls off.

“That’s a little harsh,” Hyungwon points out, raising an eyebrow, decides not to comment on the extremely passive aggressive way that Kihyun had emphasised _he_ like they were in the middle of a long-standing argument or something. All parents (he would never admit that this was how he thought of the pair out loud) fought sometime or other, didn’t they?

Kihyun freezes, as if catching himself, then lets out a sigh. He shakes his head, like he’s trying to clear his thoughts (Hyungwon imagines them jangling around), “Just be careful around Lee Minhyuk, alright? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I won’t,” Hyungwon’s answer is petulant, sounding all like the invincible teenager he believes himself to be. _Whenever you’re ready, baby, you know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you,_ Minhyuk’s voice is a ghost of a whisper that he brushes aside.

Kihyun allows him a self-indulgent smile, “I know, I trust you.”

-

_[HOT] HAS YOUR HEART BEEN STOLEN BY HYUK AND H.ONE’S CHARMING VISUALS?_

_Ratings for Music Champion have soared since H. One joined Hyuk as Music Champion emcees. After all, what is there not to like? From their easy chemistry to the dream combination of their killer visuals, there can be no better way to spend the Saturday afternoon._

Even with a year of performing under his belt, nothing compares to the exhilaration of being beside Minhyuk as a co-emcee, seen and treated as an _equal_. “I knew this was going to be a powerful combination when I casted you,” the production director beams, clasping Hyungwon on the back. “You’re doing a great job. Remember me, when you become a star.”

The praise, however, wanes in comparison to the giant smile that Minhyuk gives him, proud and pleased. It’s worth the late-nights practicing in front of his bathroom mirror - running over lines over and over again to make sure he doesn’t say anything embarrassing again, refining his expressions, the inflections of his speech. “I told you, didn’t I?” Minhyuk shoots a thumbs up at the PD, “Hyungwon is going to go far.”

Then, what a rush it is, when the cameras are off, and no one is looking. When in between takes, in between the little moments they have to rest, Minhyuk sneaks a kiss onto his forehead, just because, “You look so cute today, I can’t resist.” And in response to Hyungwon spluttering in embarrassment, looking around to see if anyone’s in the vicinity, kissing him again, “Yea, you’re right - you look cute every day.”

How when Minhyuk says quietly in his ear, “Break time.”, Hyungwon knows what he means, is the only one that can interpret the casual way that Minhyuk nods to him, like it’s nothing significant, an innocent gesture between platonic colleagues. He is well-versed in all the different ways that Minhyuk can smile, how there’s his public smile - the one he wears for the crew, the people around, the charming one for the television audience and his fans.

Then there’s the smile, just for him, just for Hyungwon. Just a slight difference in the way his lips tug upwards at the end, almost like a smirk, sly and knowing, infused with the knowledge of the secret that gleams bright and beautiful between the two of them.

“Baby,” Minhyuk breathes out, in between the long kisses and burning touches in the same supply closet from their first recording. Hyungwon’s panting hard, trying to catch his breath, before Minhyuk pushes him against the wall again, shoves his lips against his, says, as his hands attempt to map the entire cartography of Hyungwon’s body, “There’s really no one like you.”

-

 _Kyun  
_ hyung!  
when are you gonna call me  
are you having too much fun with hyuk to talk to me now  
>;[

 _Hyungwon  
_ Sorry Kyunnie!  
I’ve just been busy lately  
Tomorrow evening?

 _Kyun  
_ okay!  
everyone here is so jealous that you’re hosting with hyuk btw  
it’s doing wonders for my street cred

 _Hyungwon  
_Nice to know that you’re not above using me like that

 _Kyun  
_ ofc  
what else are best friends for?

 _Hyungwon  
_Kyunnie  
Sorry, is it okay if we reschedule?  
Something came up

 _Kyun_  
okay :(  
let me know when you're free!

-

 _Hyungwon  
_ Hey hyung  
I’m going out with Minhyuk-sunbaenim today  
If that’s alright?

 _Hyunwoo-hyung  
_Don’t you have practice till 11 today?

 _Hyungwon  
_ Yea, we’re going out for supper  
He wanted to try this new ice-cream shop  
I’m sorry about not telling you the previous time

_Hyunwoo-hyung  
_ Your schedule starts at 10am tomorrow  
I can drop you there and back after

 _Hyungwon  
_ We won’t stay out for long, I promise  
Minhyuk-sunbaenim says he’ll send me home

 _Hyunwoo-hyung  
_ Alright then  
Let me know when you’re home

Ice-cream finished long ago, the time is 1am and they’re sitting in Minhyuk’s car. The streetlights are off in the deserted car-park near Hyungwon’s dorm, the only source of light are from the high-rise buildings that Hyungwon can just make out in the distance, of people still working late into the night, chained to their corporate lives. “It’s like you’re almost home already, just tell your Hyunwoo-hyung that,” Minhyuk says, already reaching for Hyungwon’s phone to help him draft out the message.

Minhyuk tastes sweet: a mixture of the strawberry cheesecake ice-cream he’d chosen at the parlour just now and his own intoxicating scent. As always, sometime in the middle of the kisses, the way they deepen and deepen until Hyungwon’s staring into an endless abyss, foot trembling at the edge, wondering if he’ll finally take that first step, Minhyuk tangles his fingers Hyungwon’s, brings Hyungwon’s hand down towards his lap.

Hyungwon breaks away, his cheeks flushed, glowing red even in the dim light - both from the kisses and the obvious intent of Minhyuk’s action. “Sorr -”

The idol laughs, like he’s not surprised, was just trying his luck anyway, releasing Hyungwon’s hand. He sweeps his hair back, and tilts his head to the side. Then a curve-ball: “Alright, when are you going to let me peek at your lyrics?”

“What?” if it were possible, his face turns an even darker shade of red.

Minhyuk coos, a caricature of aunties at family functions, reaching over to pinch his cheeks. It’s a sharp dig into his skin, but Hyungwon doesn’t wince, “Aw baby, I’m hurt, do you not trust me enough?”

“No, of course I do. It’s just - it’s private.”

“Look at how you’re blushing, you’re adorable.”

“I’m n- not!”

“So you’re calling me a liar?” Minyhuk asks in the same joking tone. Or at least it sounds like he’s joking, there’s an odd undercurrent to his words that Hyungwon doesn’t know if he’s imagining or not. Like the cold steel in his eyes the first recording they had together.

“That’s not what I meant,” Hyungwon scrambles for an answer. From the dashboard, he can see the time blinking out at him, _2.14am_ \- it’s later than he thought, and his head is suddenly heavy with tiredness.

“Don’t pout like that, I’m just teasing,” Minhyuk grins, his teeth startling white in the darkness. It’s slightly eerie, in that 2 am way you contemplate life when your brain is exhausted, how they seem to glimmer in the light. The thought doesn’t have time to come to proper fruition though, because Minhyuk cajoles, “Come on, give me a kiss instead.”, and brings their lips together again, before Hyungwon says anything else.

-

The weeks fly by; and somehow, it’s been almost two and a half months of emceeing at Music Champion. By this time, Hyungwon can almost operate the show on auto-pilot: the right way to smile at the camera, how to widen his eyes so he looks the perfect amount of adorable and handsome, how to improvise off Minhyuk’s jokes, always playing the slightly siller, slower one of the pair. That’s not to say that he doesn’t work hard still, because he does, and it pays off - with viewership rising weekly, with his own social media metrics growing.

Moon Line Ent is pleased, of course - but not as much as Hyunwoo is, who projects the energy of a proud father. “Although,” he is quick to say, knowing how packed Hyungwon’s schedule is growing, as they start to ramp up to prepare for Hyungwon’s comeback, maybe a few months from now, “Let me know if you need a break here and there too.” 

“Don’t worry about me, hyung,” Hyungwon smiles because this is honestly the best he’s felt in years, knowing that he’s on top of everything. “I’m excited for Minhyuk-sunbaenim’s comeback actually. He keeps hinting that it’s going to be unbelievable.”

There is another reason why he’s excited for Minhyuk’s comeback. Namely: that because of preparation, Minhyuk’s been spending less and less time with him; and in the pockets of time Hyungwon now has free, he’s just been lying down in his bed, not even able to sleep, wondering when Minhyuk would text him, missing the contact.

 _Hyungwon  
_ Good luck!  
You’re going to kill it

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ of course  
and we’ll celebrate together after

On Music Champion, they decide to let Kihyun take over as guest emcee for the three weeks of Minhyuk’s promotion. It’s a good choice, since it’s no secret that Hyungwon and Kihyun are close colleagues from the same agency, with the way that Kihyun had boasted about H. One at almost every single interview he was giving that time, the moment H. One debuted. 

“You’ll have to show me the ropes,” Kihyun jokes, almost overly cheery, as they’re in the car together, heading towards the recording. 

Hyungwon tries his luck, “If I’m your senior, does that mean I can address you informally?”

“Now, let’s not take it too far.”

The recording goes smoothly - that is, until they reach the interview with Minhyuk, who is unspeakably stunning for the simple dark blue three piece suit he’s wearing. Next to Minhyuk, in the youth-themed varsity jacket Hyungwon has on, he’s never felt as tiny in comparison, like he’s just a child playing dress-up.

Minhyuk winks at Hyungwon, as if he can read his thoughts, then says into the mic, his enthusiasm clear, “It’s so strange being on this side of the stage! But I’m sure our Hyungwonnie is doing a fantastic job by himself.” There’s the slightest of pauses, that Hyungwon is sure only he notices - and perhaps Kihyun as well, with the way his eyes narrow just the tiniest bit, a tell that Hyungwon’s picked up over the years, of Kihyun’s irritation. “And with Kihyun-ssi too.”

The interview is fairly generic. Hyungwon’s well-practiced in the manner of an effusive, effervescent host, he’s had a good role-model to emulate, after all. Kihyun matches him beat for beat, polite and witty, light and charming, but it’s only when they cue Minhyuk off-stage that Hyungwon finds he can breathe again.

Honestly, with how large the Firecracker fan-base is, it’s no surprise that Minhyuk wins the week’s trophy. “Should we ask Hyungwonnie to stay for the encore stage too?” Minhyuk asks the crowd, one hand cradling the trophy, the other around Hyungwon’s wrist, holding him loosely.

(Hyungwon’s heart lurches in fear, wondering if anyone would be able to _tell_ from this very action alone.)

The fans cheer in response - and who is Hyungwon to say no, even as Kihyun looks at him with that same _tiny_ frown that he somehow manages to hold at the same time as the wide smile he has on his face.

But Minhyuk is in front of him - Minhyuk who places the Music Champion on the floor, like a discarded object amongst the confetti and streamers that litter the stage, and chooses to link arms with Hyungwon on-stage. Two friends - _just friends_ \- celebrating.

-

“Your friend really seems worried about us, doesn’t he?” remarks Minhyuk in a mild tone, when Hyungwon steps out of the shower. They are in Hyungwon’s crappy dorm for a change, and Minhyuk is lounging on Hyungwon’s sagging bed, going through his phone, while Hyungwon freshens up.

It takes Hyungwon a few seconds to realise that it’s actually _his_ phone that Minhyuk had been scrolling through. He doesn’t even know how Minhyuk had found out the password ( _2601 - to remind you of me,_ Changkyun laughed, when he had set it, _to keep you grounded when you’re a mega-star and all that nonsense)_ , but isn’t surprised. There is little that Minhyuk doesn’t know about him after all, all the sides of him, he’s peeling back, excavating in search for gold or diamonds.

He tilts the phone towards Hyungwon’s direction: it’s opened to a conversation between him and Kihyun. Hyungwon can’t quite remember what he’s been texting Kihyun about, but recalls the awkward tension there’d been present during the recording a few days earlier. Minhyuk scrunches up his face at Hyungwon, looks impossibly cute even while doing so, “Have you been bad-mouthing me?”

“Kihyun-hyung doesn’t mean it. He’s like this to everyone,” Hyungwon explains, even though he’s never seen Kihyun this cold, this unwelcoming to anyone before.

(The closest he’d been this icy was when Kihyun had spotted a saesang that had been harassing Hyungwon for a few months. 

It’d been the first time Kihyun had _really_ gotten in trouble with the media, after he smashed the girl’s DSLR on the ground, all while smiling that polite smile of his, _It’s not nice to invade someone else’s privacy._ )

Minhyuk raises an eyebrow, “Sure.”

“Hyung’s just protective, that’s all.”

“And have you been telling any lies about me?” Minhyuk frowns, continues in that same mild tone he’d used at the start of the conversation. 

“No!” Hyungwon exclaims, a frisson of foreboding sparking his mind into action: sorting out probable reasons for Kihyun’s coldness, ready to take responsibility for Kihyun’s behaviour.

“Baby, I believe you,” Minhyuk laughter melts Hyungwon’s worries, opening his arms wide. “Come here.”

It’s an unnecessary statement anyway because like a fundamental principle of physics, Hyungwon falls into them, ignoring how his sagging bed protests at the additional weight. He’s unable to resist, can’t anyway, with the way Minhyuk has him locked in his embrace. His arms are a vice grip around him. In between the wet kisses against his cheek, Minhyuk says, against his ear, “It’s not like you need protecting from anything, do you?”

And Hyungwon, as Minhyuk holds him so close, he can picture their hearts beating in sync, says, “Nothing at all.”

-

When Minyhuk says he knows a place to celebrate the end of his promotions, he means a restaurant at the top of the Lotte World Tower. “You mean, you haven’t been there before?” Minhyuk asks with a smirk, when Hyungwon had just looked at him blankly, after he mentions the name.

The restaurant is a thousand storeys up, it seems, from how long they spent in the glass elevator. Hyungwon watches as the ground recedes in the distance, and observes how the light in the tiny space changes with the altitude. It’s as if the sunlight - dying as it is, as evening encroaches - is more crisp, without having to navigate past buildings to illuminate the world.

Minhyuk is beautiful in the light - but that’s not new news, he’s always elegant, always extraordinary. He’s all sharp angles and confidence, in all the ways that makes Hyungwon feel like he, himself, hasn’t quite found his own place in the world yet. 

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Minhyuk says, breaking the silence between them. He’s looking out at the clouds that Hyungwon imagines he could just touch, if he could reach his arm out. He sounds almost reverential. His lips are turned down, just the slightest, his eyes unreadable, and Hyungwon imagines that all the heroines in Victorian novels used to look like this - beautifully, breathtakingly tragic. Noble in all the ways they contemplated the various sadness of the world, and their complicity in it. “Makes you think.”

In this glass box, just the two of them, as they seem to launch endlessly up, up, up into the welcoming sky, Hyungwon surprises himself and reaches over to take Minhyuk’s hand, courage fortified by how miniscule the cars and people below them look. The older idol jolts, looks down at their inter-linked fingers and considers it for a moment.

He doesn’t say anything, and Hyungwon’s heart grows about a million sizes bigger in his chest. Somehow without seeming like he’s moved at all, he’s suddenly pressed against Hyungwon’s side, leaning in, his eyes dark. He is so, so close, the gap between their lips is almost physically painful. His fingers are a vice-grip around Hyungwon’s wrist, needlessly so, as if Hyungwon would rather be any place than here.

“I love y -” Hyungwon starts to say, unsure of how else to express the way the small breeze from the first time Minhyuk had looked at him has swelled into a whirlwind of emotions inside of him. 

But the doors open, and Minhyuk moves away so quickly, Hyungwon would have thought he’d imagined the almost kiss, if there weren’t bruises curling around his wrist the next day, an imprint of Minhyuk’s hold on him. (When Hyunwoo notices, he’ll just laugh in that self-deprecating way he’s perfected, _It could have been a bracelet or something. My skin’s too thin.)_

“Come on baby,” Minhyuk says, stepping out of the elevator, without so much a backward glance at Hyungwon. “The night is still young. We’ve places to be.”

 _we were above the clouds when you had my heart in your hand  
_ _if you had looked, my veins would line up with the engravings on your palm  
_ _i’m yours, i’m yours, as we dance into daybreak  
_ _even when we touch the ground again, i’m yours_

-

“You know, you shouldn’t stay out too late,” is how Kihyun starts the phone-call, the next day. Hyungwon suppresses a groan in response, barely able to open his eyes to check the time. His head is pounding from the indulgence of the previous night: the food and wine that had flowed endlessly; Minhyuk’s lips against his, as he pins Hyungwon against the door of his dorm, as he whispers words that Hyungwon would rather die than repeat to anyone else. 

Kihyun’s voice breaks through his reverie, the concern cloying, “Also, you should let Hyunwoo-hyung know if you’re going to be out past midnight, he was worried sick. You know you’re not even supposed to be out of the dorms at that time, without getting his permission right?”

It’s only then that Hyungwon realises that he’d forgotten to text Hyunwoo about dinner the night before. There were too many dates with Minhyuk for him to let Hyunwoo know of anyway, and he didn’t think Hyunwoo would really want to know how often they went out, did he?

Taking his cue from Hyungwon’s lack of response, Kihyun continues, sounding more exasperated with each sentence, “Geez you’re already 19, you should have better manners than this.”

“I’m not dumb - stop treating me like some kid” Hyungwon snaps, then half-regrets it because he’s never been rude to Kihyun before. Sure, they joke around and make fun of each other all the time, but this is different. The irritation is real.

Before Hyungwon manages to string together an apology, Kihyun’s answer comes, calm as ever, “I will, if you continue to act like one.”

“I’m not.” The petulant response proving that he is indeed a child.

Kihyun scoffs, managing to sound more protective than both his parents combined and then some. “You went out with Lee Minhyuk, didn’t you?”

Some day, many, many years from now, Hyungwon would like to brag to Kihyun’s children, _your father honed all his parenting skills on me_ , although he doesn’t think his kids would be too happy about that. In the present moment, however, he has to play the part of the sullen child, indignant about being disciplined, because that’s precisely what he’s feeling. So he says nothing and hunkers down, ready for a barrage of disappointed noises from Kihyun.

“Look, you’re right, you’re not a kid,” is what Kihyun says instead, with such a sigh so deep, it might as well have taken a physical form as a wrinkle on Kihyun’s forehead. It makes Hyungwon instantly feel bad about all the ill thoughts he had directed at his friend. “But you have responsibilities as well, and - “

“I know,” Hyungwon cuts in, because he’s still a well-mannered boy who can recognise when he’s partly in the wrong, even as teenage rebellion is roaring in his heart. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you need to apologise to.”

“I’ll call Hyunwoo-hyung too.”

“Good.”

“I just - “ Hyungwon stops himself. He doesn’t have the words to describe what he’s feeling, thinks that maybe music is the only way that will help him structure his thoughts. “Nevermind.”

“Hey, you know we’re both on your side, right?” Kihyun’s voice suddenly increases in volume, as if he’s pressing his face right against his phone while speaking. “I know it sounds like I’m just nagging all the time, and it must suck to be on the receiving end of it.”

“Yea, it really does.”

“Don’t push it,” Kihyun says, all bark with no bite. Hyungwon can picture him, leaning against the kitchen table, running one hand through his hair.

“Sorry for being so weird lately.”

“It’s alright.” Kihyun hesitates. “You’re a good person, don’t lose yourself in whatever’s going on.”

Hyungwon just lets out a groan in response.

“Okay okay, that’s my last nag for the day,” Kihyun lets out a breathy laugh over the phone. “Love you, Won.”

The words are caught in his throat, _I love you_. Mercifully, Minhyuk hadn’t brought up how he’d foolishly tried to blurt out the confession in the elevator at all during their date the night before. Maybe he hadn’t even heard it, maybe Hyungwon had just imagined himself saying it.

“Hello?” Kihyun’s voice jolts him back into the present, breaking through the dead air of the call.

“Sorry,” Hyungwon says. “Thank you, hyung. For everything.”

-

Maybe it’s the fact that his worry over his comeback is finally off his shoulders or the fact that he’d pretty much swept almost all the music shows for the period of his promotions, but Minhyuk grows more insistent. 

“Aren’t you curious, baby?” he teases, but Hyungwon hears the implication underneath. He’s pressed under the older idol, their legs entwined under the sheets in Minyhuk’s bed. His hand creeps under Hyungwon’s shirt, strokes the skin just above the top of his pants. “You know I wouldn’t hurt you anyway.”

His answer comes out as a gasp, “I know.”

“And you trust me, don’t you,” Minhyuk continues, more a statement than a question. His fingers light every part of Hyungwon’s skin on fire, like a sorcerer casting an enchantment to banish away any other thought apart from the magic of his touch.

“I do.”

“Then?” the ask seems like a rhetorical one, with the way that Minhyuk’s fingers are already tugging at the zip of his pants. There doesn’t seem to be a good way to answer anyway, and Hyungwon stills, waits for the inevitable to finally take its course.

But from the night-stand, Hyungwon’s phone chimes loudly, and it startles Hyungwon completely back into himself. He scrambles out from underneath Minhyuk to see who’s texted him, leaving Minhyuk alone, an inscrutable expression on his face.

-

“Can you and Kihyun-hyung just nag me together?” Hyungwon says, already anticipating the reason behind the sudden meeting Hyunwoo had called for. What could be so urgent that Hyunwoo couldn’t ask him over the phone, or wait till the next day when they were going to meet at the agency anyway?

“I’m not going to nag,” Hyunwoo insists, even though his tone gives him away completely. He pauses for a fraction of a second, tries to sound casual, “Did Kihyun say anything to you?”

“No,” Hyungwon’s answer is more peevish than he means to be, given that Hyunwoo had given him the best reason to dart out of Minhyuk’s apartment without a proper reason. He ignores the way his stomach drops at how he’d left Minhyuk behind, the unfinished nature of what they had been doing looming over the future, like a heavy rain cloud. “Aren’t you usually one unit?”

“Uh, yea. We are,” Hyunwoo says, sounding distant. He lets out a sigh, and along with it, expels whatever thought that had been in his head. “I wanted to talk to you about some of the songs you’ve been writing.”

Hyungwon blinks at him, momentarily confused. Comeback preparation had barely started, didn’t seem like it deserved such an urgent conversation, “I know we’ve already decided on the title track, but I thought these could be some of the b-sides.”

“They showed the lyrics to me,” Hyunwoo reaches into the messenger bag he’d carried along with him, and pulls out a few sheets of song lyrics. It’s not unusual for Hyungwon to offer ideas and songs for the album, especially since that’s how they’d been marketing H. One anyway.

It’s rare that they send Hyunwoo to mediate, rather than have the music team talk directly to Hyungwon. He frowns, “Did they not like it?”

Side-stepping the question, Hyunwoo says instead, “It’s a little dark. Darker than your usual songs.”

“Oh.”

“Is there anything you need to talk about?” there’s an urgency to this question, and Hyunwoo leans in, his eyes searching. 

It would be easy right now - to tell Hyunwoo about what’s been going on with Minhyuk. After all, he used to tell Hyunwoo and Kihyun almost everything that crossed his mind - or even if he didn’t, the two always seemed to know what was plaguing him. 

Yet, all Hyungwon answers is, “Sheesh hyung, I’m just trying out something different.”

“This doesn’t seem like just something different.” Hyunwoo waves one of the sheets. Hyungwon glimpses the title, printed bold at the top of the page. It’s the one that he’d written after their date at the Lotte Tower, after he recalled the mortifying moment that he’d tried to confess to Minhyuk - like people like Minhyuk would even entertain plebeian confessions like that. 

_i’d spell out my love for you with all my being  
_ _form out this dedication with every part that i have  
_ _i’d tear myself to pieces, just so you can have it all_

He’d thought it’d be an interesting complement to the title track _Archer_ , which was more typical of his usual music. _Archer_ was actually a song he’d composed earlier on, before he’d met Minhyuk - a Hyungwon that feels like one from years ago, rather than just months.

Hyungwon shrugs, playing the part of the artist who’s just experimenting with their art-form, “If the agency doesn’t like it, we don’t have to go with it.”

“I’m just concerned,” Hyunwoo answers, frowning at him, like he can tell that there’s something Hyungwon’s just keeping out of sight from him. “That’s all.”

 _And you trust me, don’t you?_

“Don’t worry, there’s nothing to be concerned about.”

 _Hyunwoo-hyung  
_ If it’s awkward to talk face to face, you can text me anytime you need too  
That’s what I’m here for  
As your manager and more importantly, your friend

 _Hyungwon  
_ I know  
Thanks hyung

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ baby  
check this out

Hyungwon taps open the link that Minhyuk has attached below. It’s a Twitter search of the word HHyuk - and even before the page loads, he knows what it’s going to be. After all, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what the word means. In fact, Hyungwon notes distantly, he’s surprised that it’d taken him this long to learn what his ship name is. Rookie Hyungwon - heck, even the Hyungwon of a few months ago - would have leapt immediately into the search box, if there had been any semblance of a chance he’d be connected to Hyuk.

The first tweet that appears is a long thread by _hyukkklover_ with the caption, _WHY HHYUK IS REAL AND WE NEED TO OPEN OUR EYES TO IT_. The numbers on it are amazing - honestly, better than some of tweets Hyungwon posted when he first debuted as a no-name rookie in the flood of idols. 

_first - please see how Hyuk looks at H. One???? like can they be any more obvious?????_ Along with the tweet is a GIF from one of the Music Champion shows, a month or so ago. Past Hyungwon is looking straight into the camera, soundlessly announcing the next group coming up, and Past Minhyuk is watching him, with the fondest smile on his face, the one he wears when they’re outside together, when his laughter is bright and carefree, when he says _baby_ like a term of endearment and not something else.

Hyungwon remembers this day - Minhyuk had snapped at him the night before, when he’d jokingly asked, even as his heart started a free-fall into the abyss of his being, _so do you date all your co-hosts or is it just me?_ Then almost immediately, climbing into his lap with a pout like Minhyuk’s the one who had been wounded, cooing, _baby, are you jealous? You’re the cutest one, don’t worry._

 _Careful,_ a voice that sounds remarkably like Kihyun whispers in his head, _are you sure you want to tumble down this rabbit-hole?_

The thread continues, sprawling across his screen as he scrolls and scrolls and scrolls, the words blurring into each other _H. One looks so excited whenever they’re next to each other!_ and _you can never change my mind: Hyuk and H. One went out to eat at the lotte world tower. the mirrors they took their individual selcas in look exactly the same!!!!!_

His thumb almost goes numb when he finally reaches the end of the thread. _throwback to when it all began: hhyuk on their first date at hongdae. say it with me, BOYFRIENDS_

Attached are two blurry images of Hyungwon and Minhyuk on that night - he knew, of course, that there had been photographs taken of that very night, should have fully expected them to feature in this enthusiastic fan’s excruciatingly detailed breakdown of their supposed relationship. Even so, seeing the photographs feels like a blow to his chest, as if the air in his lungs have suddenly disappeared.

Perhaps it’s the angle of which it had been taken from, how Minhyuk had been closer to the camera lens (wherever it may have been), but the older idol looks like he’s completely dwarfing Hyungwon in the frame. His fingers are curled around Hyungwon’s wrist, in a way that _hyukkklover_ would probably describe as _adorable must protect_.

Hyungwon looks at the photo until his vision goes blurry, until his figure seems to meld into Minhyuk’s, like how easily collapsible his name is in HHyuk, and he can’t tell where he begins and ends.

His phone buzzes, and he blinks. The two figures separate and he can see himself again, small and hidden, but there, still a distinct person in the photograph.

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ cute huh  
everyone knows you’re mine  
don’t you love it baby

 _Hyungwon  
_ Yea  
They really do

-

The answer of _Then?_ comes when Minhyuk is in his dorm, a few weeks later, after Hyungwon nudges him away when his hands start to stray again. He shifts away from Minhyuk, so that they’re no longer touching, which is a feat given how tiny his bed is. Leaning against the headboard, he tries to think of something else that they could do instead: maybe go out to get dinner or watch a show.

But Minhyuk sits up, face eerily blank for a moment. Then he says, “There’s only so far your childish lyrics can get you.”

“Wh -”

“Besides, it’s not like you haven’t thought of it, have you?” springing forward so he closes the tiny distance between them, Minhyuk corners him. There isn’t space to wiggle away with how he’s caged in against Minhyuk and the wall behind him. Hyungwon freezes, typical, that his brain chooses to react this way instead of the other two possible options.

Minhyuk runs a finger down the side of Hyungwon’s face, lets it stay curled under his chin. He turns his finger and presses his fingernail into flesh and Hyungwon can’t control the shiver (or was it shudder?). “ _Beyond how your soul touches mine, I dream of your fingerprints scattered across me, our own galaxy of constellations, waiting to be named._ ”

Hearing his own lyrics - ones that he’s still working on, had scribbled in one of his many notebooks he left scattered around his dorm - parroted back in such a mocking way triggers something in him, _flight_ , and Hyungwon recoils, but Minhyuk reaches out to pull him back, hand now against the back of his neck, holding him in place. Hyungwon splutters, futile, “That’s private.”

“You shouldn’t leave your stuff just lying around then,” his tone cool, even as the grip on his neck tightens. Hyungwon can picture in his mind, the bruises that’ll purple there tomorrow, considers the irony of the lyrics the older idol had just quoted. Minhyuk smirks, as he pivots them around, maneuvering Hyungwon beneath him, “Come on, let’s give you something real to write about.”

“No, I - I’m not ready,” Hyungwon’s hands are out, against Minhyuk’s chest, keeping some distance between Minhyuk and himself. He knows, instinctively, that the moment Minhyuk kisses him, there’s no turning back. That he’d doomed himself the first time he let Minhyuk in like that.

“Sometimes, it’s better not to be ready,” Minhyuk chuckles, trying to push his way past Hyungwon, gravity on his side. But there’s surprisingly more strength in Hyungwon’s thin arms than they both expect, and he stays, his face suspended above Hyungwon. If perhaps, Hyungwon’s heart isn’t struggling with both the exertion and the fear that he’s finally acknowledging he’s feeling, he’d have laughed at the sight: it’s a funny one, after all.

From above him, Minhyuk finally realises that Hyungwon isn’t backing down this time. His tone is full of scorn, so acidic that it eats away at Hyungwon’s nerves, “You’re saying no to me? Think hard about that baby.”

“I just need more time - ” Hyungwon starts feebly, even as the words ring false. 

“What happened to-” and here, Minhyuk’s face distorts into a sneer. It’s terrifying, the way Hyungwon doesn’t recognise his features beneath the disgust, how he’d thought he knew every one of Minhyuk’s expressions until right now, “I _love_ you.”

“I do,” Hyungwon says: he’s not sure if he should be disappointed in himself with how he isn’t even lying.

“Then prove it,” Minhyuk dares him, his eyes dark. 

Then finally, Hyungwon’s brain registers its final note of protest, _fight_ . The last of Hyungwon’s strength erupts from his arms and he shoves Minhyuk off him, hard enough so that the idol actually tumbles to the end of the bed, “I said, _no_.”

“Wow baby, I’m genuinely hurt right now,” Minhyuk’s face is twisted in mock shock, incredulous. 

“Get out,” Hyungwon scrambles to his feet, hand outstretched, pointing towards the door. He’s panting hard and his arm is shaking, but if anything, all the hellish training he’d underwent as a trainee is coming back to him, teaching him how to push past his exhaustion until he reaches the end of his choreography. 

“You’re really saying no, _to me_?”

One hand still outstretched towards the door, he picks up his phone with the other, and brandishes it at Minhyuk, “I’ll - I’ll call hyung, if you don’t.”

“Cute,” Minhyuk says, even though his tone clearly implies that that’s entirely the opposite of what he’s thinking about Hyungwon at the moment. “It’s always easier to hide behind other people, isn’t it?”

It takes a beat or two (the silence filled with the sound of Hyungwon’s breath. He can’t keep it under control, hates that despite this, Minhyuk still looks as calm and collected as ever. He could just tumble out of bed, straight into a fashion shoot); Minhyuk finally slides off Hyungwon’s bed, movements languid and carefree. He says, condescension dripping from each syllable, “Look at you, all grown up. It’s okay, I understand. I know when I’m not welcome.”

“Wait - “

“See you at rehearsals baby,” Minhyuk winks at him, the gesture taking on a darker tone without the teasing affection behind it, then leaves. 

It’s only when Hyungwon hears the main door of his dorm swing shut, that he falls onto the ground, the strength leaving his legs. 

He’s alone at last - with all the thoughts that he doesn’t want to face.

-

 _Ki hyung  
_ Hey  
Is everything alright?  
I got 5 missed calls from you  
Was in the studio, so I didn’t have my phone on me

 _Ki hyung  
_Hyungwonnie?

 _Ki hyung  
_Call me back

 _Hyungwon  
_ Sorr  
y  
Acicdent

 _Ki hyung  
_ You're at home right?  
Stay there  
I’m coming over

-

For all the years of their friendship, Kihyun must have been hiding his teleportation abilities from Hyungwon because he materialises in Hyungwon’s dorm in what feels like a split second after his last text. He finds Hyungwon, still a crumpled heap on his bedroom floor.

“Hey Hyungwonnie,” Kihyun starts, voice soft and gentle. He seats himself next to Hyungwon and Hyungwon would like to curl himself up in the spaces within Kihyun’s words, far away from where the tendrils of reality can get to him. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“No,” he breathes from where he is from the ground.

Kihyun tries again, “Is it linked to you know who?”

“I don’t want to say.”

“I swear to god,” Kihyun starts, and the anger in his voice makes Hyungwon turn his head to the side to finally look at his friend. His eyes are blazing as he says, words heated, “If he did something to you, I’m going over to his place now and I’m going to rip his heart out.”

“He didn’t _do_ anything,” Hyungwon interjects quickly. He wants to pull himself up, but he can’t. It seems easier to just lie down on the ground instead. But another more urgent thing occurs to him, “You can’t tell hyung about this.”

Kihyun makes an unimpressed noise that’s in between a sigh and a scoff, his voice still hard and sarcastic, “Is there anything that I _should_ tell him about?”

“No…. I don’t know,” Hyungwon turns his face downward towards the floor again. Maybe if he stayed here long enough, he could become one with the flooring. He could melt into the floorboards and disappear, and some other trainee with a brighter future could move in and make a real life for themselves.

Sensing the shift in Hyungwon’s mood, Kihyun’s tone turns soft again, “You can trust me with anything.”

“I know,” Hyungwon wants to say this but it comes out more like a sob. 

“Well, Hyunwoo-hyung told me you’ve an early schedule tomorrow, so how about you get a hot shower first?” 

For a shower to happen, Hyungwon first needs to stand up. But this seems like a difficult task with how he can’t seem to feel any of his limbs. He can barely register the floor beneath him.

Kihyun seems to know this, “I’ll help you get up.”

“Okay,” Hyungwon finally says, and he lets Kihyun help him to his feet slowly, guide him to the bathroom, switches on the water heater for him. He waits as Kihyun helps him gather his shower items: the towel from his closet, a fresh pair of clothes to sleep in (an old oversized tee that’s riddled with holes from age at the collar, he’d brought it over from Gwangju - Changkyun had bought it for him as a birthday present a long time ago, and he didn’t have the heart to throw it away; a pair of pyjama pants). 

“Take your time, alright?” Kihyun says, as he closes the bathroom door. “I’ll be here, until you’re done.”

Hyungwon doesn’t know how long he takes: only that it’d taken a significant amount of time for him to muster up the energy to turn the shower on, that he’d just stood there for minutes and minutes as the water poured down, before his arms thawed and he could reach for the shampoo.

When he’s done though, Kihyun is sitting on the couch, pouring over a thick stack of papers. His eyebrows are furrowed in concentration, his lips moving silently, along with the lines on the page. 

It occurs to Hyungwon that Kihyun has his own schedule and responsibilities too, remembers vaguely that Hyunwoo had mentioned that Kihyun was planning on breaking into the acting scene and that he had an audition coming up. He hadn’t really been listening at that time - or he had, but most things were lost in his hazy fog of a memory - but it sounded like it was happening soon.

“Hyung?” Hyungwon thinks he says, his voice so soft, he doesn’t think he can hear himself.

Kihyun looks up, his face breaking into a smile when he sees that Hyungwon’s showered, “What’s up, Hyungwonnie?” 

Hyungwon hesitates, the ask weighing heavily on his tongue. 

Yet, Kihyun seems to already anticipate what he’s trying to say, “Do you think you could lend me a pillow for the couch tonight?”

“Hyung - “

“Your dorm is closer to the studio anyway.”

“You don’t have to stay over.”

“I know I don’t have to,” Kihyun’s answer comes easily, a simple truth of their friendship that Hyungwon had somehow forgotten. “I want to.”

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ morning cutie  
hope you didn’t sleep too badly  
i was dreaming about you  
did you dream of me too?

If Minhyuk thinks it’s odd that Hyungwon doesn’t reply to any of his texts for the rest of the week, he doesn’t say anything. For the older idol’s part, he doesn’t try to invite Hyungwon out to meet.

At Music Champion recordings, Minhyuk is ever polite and warm, and Hyungwon follows his lead, moving in-step with him as they move into the next phase of the weird dance they’re dancing. Even so, given Hyungwon’s insistence that he doesn’t tell Hyunwoo, Kihyun shows up at each of the recordings, arms always crossed, watching Minhyuk carefully.

It’s only a matter of time for the other shoe to drop - and when it does, it is a steel-toed combat boot that lands on the ground with such a resounding _thump_ the sound reverberates through Hyungwon’s entire being.

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ come over baby  
i’ve something for you   
for real

When Hyungwon swings open the door to Minhyuk’s apartment (he can already hear Kihyun screaming in his head, telling him it’s a bad idea to make contact like this - but he can’t deny that there’s been something missing in him the past few weeks, a hole that can only be filled by Minhyuk), he doesn’t expect to see anyone else there - much less a pretty stranger, with shining eyes and dumpling cheeks. She’s seated together with the idol on Minhyuk’s couch, the two suddenly springing apart. 

It could be the earth suddenly shifting its gravitational axis, it must be, with the way Hyungwon suddenly feels like his world is tilting to the side.

“Hey Hyungwonnie,” Minhyuk greets, bounces over with no explanation whatsoever, doesn’t even have the courtesy of looking embarrassed. He’s grinning the public-facing smile of his, the one is reminiscent of sunny summer days, fun times frolicking in the sunshine, as he leads Hyungwon over to the living room area. “I want you to meet Minji.”

“Hi,” Hyungwon says, bowing by way of greeting (it doesn’t help the sense of vertigo - how he wants to just throw himself at Minhyuk’s feet and ask _what’s happening?_ or maybe launch himself at this Minji girl to fight for what is his). He takes a seat in the single seater. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Minhyuk settles down beside Minji, curls in towards her like it’s the most natural thing in the world. He slings one arm around her, all while watching Hyungwon, “Minji, I’ve told you all about how cute and adorable Hyungwonnie is, haven’t I?”

“I’ve heard so many stories about you,” she says enthusiastically. Even if it had been sincere, he can hardly hear it. There’s a ringing in his ears, like he’s been too near a loud gong and the sound-waves are still reverberating through his being.

“Minji is my childhood friend. We just got in touch again recently.”

“Oh, when?” Hyungwon doesn’t recognise the voice that emerges from his throat.

Turning in askance at Minji, the both of them make the same thinking face that people do when they want you to know they’re really considering your question. “Maybe 2 - 3 months ago?” Minji says in the end, and then giggles, like the thought of how long they’ve been talking is hilarious. 

That’s just slightly after the time Hyungwon first started hosting Music Champion.

“You’re the first person I wanted to tell,” Minhyuk darts his head down, as if suddenly shy. He makes a show of taking in a deep breath, steeling himself, all while Minji leans into him, eyes twinkling. Hyungwon wants to tell her, _you’re not any special, we’ve all been there,_ has to keep the words down, when Minhyuk finally looks up at him, with a smile that doesn’t reach the familiar sly gleam in his eyes, “She’s my girlfriend.”

There’s something bubbling in his stomach. Maybe it’s the ghost of all the words he’s never said to Minhyuk - starting with _I love you_ to _would you ever say it back?_ to _really, what am I to you?_ So it’s nothing new when Hyungwon only says, as he puts on the smile he’s practiced many times in the mirror for Music Champion, “Wow.”

“I thought, since you’re such a good friend and so good at keeping secrets, I wanted to share the news with you!” Minhyuk’s face doesn’t give anything away.

“That’s such an honour.”

“Aren’t you happy for us?”

“Of course, there’s nothing else I would be,” Hyungwon answers, warmly. Then he lets out a soft _ah_ , smacking himself in the forehead, like he’s just remembered something. He’s already getting up, as he says, “I forgot, I’ve a meeting with Hyunwoo-hyung for comeback preparations.”

Minji lights up, gushing, “You’re going to have a comeback? I was such a fan of your previous album!”

Hyungwon sways on his feet, puts all his remaining effort into keeping steady. “That’s really nice to hear.”

“I’ll be cheering for you,” she says, this time with genuine warmth that even Hyungwon can feel, can’t bring himself to begrudge her for being here, for being the person on the couch with Minhyuk. Then feels ill, at the thought of what they may do, once he leaves. 

“Oh! Before you go, I wanted to give you this. To say thank you for being who you are, bab - “ Minhyuk recovers in time. He hands him a neatly wrapped box. It’s tiny, like it’s sized for jewelry, light in Hyungwon’s hands. “For how wonderful you’ve been so far.”

Hyungwon bows, “Thank you, Hyuk-sunbaenim, I really appreciate this.”

(He can’t stop himself from unwrapping it before getting home. In fact, just as he steps out of Minyhuk’s apartment, his hands are already undoing the ribbon, tearing away the wrapping, letting the scraps of paper flutter on the floor.

Inside the box is a necklace, with a gold pendant. It looks empty at first, until Hyungwon shifts his wrist and the word on the pendant catches the light: _baby_ engraved in italics, so thin that you can barely see it.)

-

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ baby why did you leave in such a hurry  
don’t you worry your pretty head  
you’re still the no 1 to me

 _Hyuk-sunbaemin  
_ are you jealous?  
mj’s just meant for publicity right now  
you just gotta play the game  
but you’ll always be mine

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ aw baby  
it was cute for a while  
pettiness doesn’t suit you  
now come on over  
i’ll show you how much i care about you  
i know you miss me too

-

In Kihyun’s defense, he doesn’t say, “I told you so.” 

Instead, he just opens his arms wide (wider than what Hyungwon thought would be possible, given the older idol’s smaller stature), and lets Hyungwon collapse into him. 

The force sends them stumbling backwards a little, and Hyungwon has to stoop in order to curl into Kihyun’s embrace, but Kihyun’s arms are tight yet soft around him in a way that Minhyuk’s hold had never been, and all that’s left for Hyungwon to do is cry until he’s numb enough for the tears to stop.

The next day, Kihyun is kind enough not to push but Hyungwon knows what the next responsible thing to do is. He’s been putting it off long enough. It’s as if things are now in startling clarity, like gasping for air after emerging from an icy cold pond.

“Hey, Hyunwoo-hyung,” Hyungwon’s mouth is dry. He looks up from his phone, at Kihyun, who gives him an encouraging nod. It’s harder to do this face to face, but it’s the least that he can do, after lying to the both of them for this long. “Um, could you come over to Kihyun-hyung’s apartment? I’ve something to tell the both of you.”

It feels surreal when Hyunwoo arrives and they take their seats around Kihyun’s dining table. Hyungwon notes distantly that it’s been a long while since he saw Kihyun and Hyunwoo together, wonders when - or _if_ \- the two had drifted apart, wonders if there’d been anything else he’d missed because he was too busy looking somewhere else.

“It didn’t really start like anything, I guess, I just -” Hyungwon can’t look at them, has to keep his attention focused on the tiny spot of dirt beside his foot. “It just felt nice, to have the attention of someone like that. Someone as a - amazing as Mi - Hy - as, um, him.”

Both Hyunwoo and Kihyun don’t say anything for the entire time Hyungwon is sharing. And once he starts, he finds that he can’t stop, that the entire sordid tale just spills out, like water building behind a dam, ready to break through the moment a tiny hole appears. Yet, even without looking at them, Hyungwon can feel the rage building within Hyunwoo - it swirls out of his being in spirals, coils through the air, and Hyungwon breathes it in, this is what he deserves.

When he’s done with his tale, Hyunwoo’s hands are curled into white-hot fists. Kihyun, having suspected something amiss all this while but not knowing the full extent of it, is only the slightest bit calmer, more used to the idol-ways of putting up walls between your emotions and what you display. 

“He didn’t _do_ anything to me,” Hyungwon needs to clarify, even though Hyunwoo is still glowering that dreadful glower of his. With each word, he feels himself shrinking, growing smaller and smaller until he could be atom-sized, subatomic, just a speck that could slip out of this reality into another, better universe where he didn’t mess up this badly. He presses on, softer as each syllable comes out, ashamed at the admission, “At least, nothing that I didn’t want to.”

It’s then that Hyunwoo explodes. The chair he had been sitting on flies out from behind him, smashes into the wall behind with a loud clatter, and falls into two separate pieces. Hyungwon flinches visibly, the noise is almost like a physical blow.

“Hyung!” Kihyun’s admonishment is sharp and pierces through the older boy’s rage. Hyunwoo lets out a loud, frustrated breath, rubbing his face with his hand, like he’s trying to clear something from his vision. If it isn’t for Kihyun reaching over, stilling him, Hyungwon wouldn’t have realised that his hands are shaking, trembling so hard that they’re a drum-beat against the dining table. 

“I’m sorry,” Hyungwon says. Hyunwoo turns to face him and Hyungwon tries not to recoil at the intensity of his gaze. Kihyun slips his hand into Hyungwon’s, his thumb running soothing circles on the back of his hand. He tries to focus on the shape, the start and end of the motion meeting, that in the end, everything would be resolved, “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble, honestly, I’m fine. I’m - I’m really, really sorry.”

Hyunwoo shakes his head, and strides over, goes down on one knee beside Hyungwon’s chair, since he’s destroyed the only other seat around Kihyun’s table, “No, _I’m_ sorry. It’s my job to look after you and I didn’t notice that this was happening.”

He’s never seen Hyunwoo like this before: unsure, hesitant. Hyunwoo continues, barely able to keep his voice from shaking, “Hyungwon, you have every right to be mad with me.”

A beat passes.

Then, revelation: maybe, Hyunwoo’s anger hadn’t been directed at him, hadn’t been aimed like a homing missile at Hyungwon.

“You’re not mad with me?” it’s less a question and more a whisper. There’s movement on his side; Kihyun’s wiping something away from his face. “You and Kihyun-hyung?”

“Never,” Hyunwoo says, at the same time Kihyun moves forward and envelopes him and Hyunwoo in a hug. Hyungwon buries his head into Hyunwoo’s shoulder, Kihyun’s arms tight around his shoulders, and for the first time in a long while, he feels like he’s finally, finally on steady ground.

-

_[HOT] H.ONE ANNOUNCES HIATUS, CITES EXHAUSTION_

_Through a hand-written note posted on his personal Twitter account, H. One has announced that he would be taking a hiatus and apologised to his fans for causing them worry. He ended his note with, “Everyone, please remember to take care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.”_

_Fellow co-host Hyuk has wished him a speedy recovery on his own Twitter, telling fans, “Send H. One lots of love! I’ll miss hosting with you. We had so much fun together, and I’m looking forward to it again ;)”_

“Is this an intervention?” Hyungwon asks, his forehead pressed against the window of Hyunwoo’s tiny car. 

The morning is a grey one, the sky is clouded with rain clouds and gloom but it didn’t stop Hyunwoo and Kihyun from hauling him out of bed at the ungodly hour of 9am. It doesn’t help that he spends half the week burrowed in Kihyun’s spare room, and the other half the week, wide-awake at night in his own dorm, sometimes with Hyunwoo snoring gently on the couch outside. Between the both of them, Hyungwon’s hardly been left alone for the past month, unless he specifically asks to be, which honestly, are moments few and far in between.

From the front seat, Kihyun hums, “You could say that.”

They’ve been walking on eggshells around him, since the announcement of his hiatus one month ago. Hyungwon’s aware that even with the ‘Get Out of Jail - Free!’ pass he’s gotten with the hiatus, he’s slipping behind on timelines and schedules. Idols have a shelf-life after all, and it doesn’t help that he’s barely established a proper fanbase (they don’t even have a name yet, he remembers with a rude shock) before leaving on the hiatus.

There’s a soft thwack from the front of the car, as they come to a stop at a traffic light. Hyungwon looks up in time to see Kihyun move his hand away, and Hyunwoo rubbing his forearm. He catches his eye in the rearview mirror, and says in a tone that’s supposed to sound casual but Hyunwoo isn’t very good at feigning these sorts of things (not when he looks slightly green - a mix of yellow excitement and blue nerves), “I just want to introduce you to someone.”

“No offense, but the last time that I met someone new, it went really badly for me.”

Hyunwoo laughs, “You’ll want to meet him, I promise.”

Hyungwon is surprised when the car turns into a familiar avenue, and they end up at Hyunwoo’s house. The sense of anticipation all but fizzles when Hyunwoo swings open the door, and all there is, is Hoseok, whose face crinkles up in a bright smile as he waves. 

“It’s just Hoseok-hyung,” Hyungwon points out, puzzled. “I know who he is.”

“That’s right, but now, I’m introducing Hoseok as my roommate,” and here Hyunwoo blushes, uncharacteristically. He scratches his head, and Hoseok just laughs and nudges him, _Go on_ , in such easy familiarity that Hyungwon’s breath catches. He knows what Hyunwoo is about to say, before his manager can even say it, ”And I’m introducing him as my boyfriend.”

“Your boyfriend,” he repeats, and there must be something in the way he says it that has Hyunwoo concerned because he frowns, as if he’s said something wrong.

“Anyway, let’s start work,” Kihyun swoops in, before anyone can say anything, sounding the slightest bit strangled. He recovers smoothly, hands on Hyungwon’s shoulders, already shoving him towards the direction of the kitchen, “You’re on chopping duty.”

“What?”

Smirking, Kihyun’s already tying an apron around his waist. He throws one at Hyungwon, who barely manages to catch it before it flutters onto the floor. “You didn’t think this would be a free meal, did you? We’re cooking kimchi jigae today, so the faster you dice everything up, the faster we can start cooking.”

From the living room, Hyungwon can hear Hoseok murmur something to Hyunwoo, catches the slightest glimpse of him patting him on the back. Kihyun clears his throat loudly, and pointedly jabs at the knife, already washed and gleaming, on the kitchen counter.

Hyungwon tears his attention away. “If I cut my finger off, it’ll be on you.”

Kihyun rolls his eyes, even though the fond smile on his lips diminishes the sarcasm of his action, “Yea yea, now get to work.”

-

“I know what you were doing today,” Hyungwon says, when Kihyun accompanies him back to his dorm in the evening. They’re both laying stretched out on Hyungwon’s bed, browsing through Netflix. Maybe it’s out of pity, but even on the nights that Hyungwon doesn’t stay over, Kihyun waits until Hyungwon’s just about to fall asleep before he leaves for his own place. If Hyungwon wasn’t so scared that he’d back-slide without this constant company, he’d be embarrassed by how the two are essentially taking turns to baby-sit him.

Kihyun snorts, as he skims through the synopsis of the top movies curated for the week, “Yea, teaching you how to cook, you definitely need more lessons.”

“Hyunwoo-hyung looks really happy, doesn’t he?”

It takes a moment for Kihyun to answer, his tone tight, “He really does.”

Hyungwon pauses, notices the way that screen has been on the same movie synopsis the entire time. Then a realisation dawns upon him, the dots finally arranging into a comprehensible portrait of the relationship between two of his dearest friends. He asks, “What about you?”

“I’m happy for him,” Kihyun’s reply is breezy but Hyungwon knows better than to push it.

Instead, he says, “Thank you.”

“Tch, for what?” the older idol laughs. The cursor on the screen starts moving again, as he clicks on a genre that’s anything but romance. 

Hyungwon hums, “You know.”

Kihyun suppresses what sounds like a sigh, then continues, firm, sure (as unwavering as the first time he’d told Hyungwon, all those years back, _when you’re lacking in confidence, just remember that you’ve a hyung right here cheering for you_ ), “Your world is much bigger than him. You’ll get through this.”

 _Doesn’t feel like it,_ is what Hyungwon wants to say, but he doesn’t want the thought to take shape. He doesn’t want these words to make their presence known in this space, so he keeps them to himself.

And perhaps, with the way Kihyun reaches over to pat his hand gently, he understands. 

-

He finds the time to go home to Gwangju. It’s impossible not to, not with the way his parents have texted him almost every day since the announcement of his hiatus, asking him to come home, asking him _why? Is everything alright? Do we need to talk to the agency?_

Perhaps it’s their cloying concern that delays his return home, but he does so, in the end. Because it’s in the middle of the work day, it’s Changkyun, who picks him up at the train station instead. Despite how terrible this sounds, Hyungwon is relieved, glad to have more time to acclimatise to being back home, even if it’s just for a week.

“How have you grown even taller?” Changkyun asks incredulously, by way of greeting, after he’s launched himself at Hyungwon for a hug, then peeled himself away like he hadn’t initiated the embrace in the first place, in the cat-like way he shows affection. He glares at the skies above, shaking his fist, “The universe is unfair.”

“Maybe if you’d eat your vegetables.”

“Nah, I’m not going to get tricked like that.”

It’s only later that evening, when the two are alone in Hyungwon’s childhood bedroom (real parents spoken to and assured that _no, no, nothing happened, the agency just thought it’d be good for me to take a break for now because I’ve been so busy_ , Changkyun reaching over under the table, to still his shaking fists when his parents ask about how hosting Music Champion had been, _I learnt a lot_ ), that Changkyun finally asks, “Are you really feeling better?”

He had, of course, told Changkyun the full truth of what had happened. It had been a long, long conversation, half the time spent on Changkyun detailing the exact way that he would dissect He-Who-Would-Not-Be-Named with the new surgical skills he’s picked up as a medical student. _I even know how to make it more painful than it actually needs to be, firstly - a blunt knife; and secondly, I’ll tape his eyes open the whole time so he can watch_ , he’d insisted, _just say the word, I’ll make it happen._

Hyungwon turns the question over in his mind, as the younger boy shuffles closer to him, the two a tangle of limbs, crammed into Hyungwon’s bed. Given that he has no morning classes the next day, Changkyun’s staying the night. “Maybe.”

Even in the darkness, Hyungwon can make out the frown on Changkyun’s face. The anger radiates off Changkyun, even as he tries to keep his tone cool, “I’m going to beat him up so bad if I ever see it.”

“Hyunwoo-hyung already has first dibs.”

“I’ll fight him for that then,” answers his best friend, and Hyungwon lets a laugh, then a loud _oof_ as Changkyun turns towards him and accidentally jabs him in the spleen. They’re both lying on their sides, now facing each other, and Changkyun’s face now grows serious. “You have to tell me, if you’re going through anything like this again.”

“I know,” Hyungwon says, trying not to wince as the shard of guilt that’s lodged itself in his heart makes itself known again - _If_ he’d told someone, _if_ he wasn’t such a naive child. 

“It’s not your fault,” Changkyun says, insistent, as if sensing the downward spiral of Hyungwon’s thoughts. Hyungwon swallows. There’s a lump in his throat the size of all the unsaid things he’d kept away from Changkyun, from everyone, all these months. The secrets, the sneaking around, the undeniable electric _fun_ that it had been. 

“There’s nothing to blame yourself for,” Changkyun continues, perhaps well aware of Hyungwon’s inner monologue. He pauses, finishing a little hesitantly, “Even if, maybe, it feels that way.”

Despite himself, Hyungwon smiles, “Damn Kyunnie, I knew you’re smart but when did you become _this_ smart?”

Changkyun opens his mouth - maybe to protest that _he’s always been this clever, hello, he’s a med student?_ or maybe continue with the motivational pep-talk he’s clearly been thinking a lot about - but Hyungwon interrupts him before he does.

“I owe it to you, and well, to everyone, not to lie anymore,” Hyungwon keeps his gaze trained on the wall behind Changkyun. “So I won’t say that I’m completely fine. I feel kind of dumb, to be honest.”

He thinks of the way his heart still stutters at the thought of Minhyuk, how _seen_ he had felt under Minhyuk’s touch, his candied words. How it felt like affirmation and affection and everything in between.

“But I’ll get there, eventually.” Hyungwon laughs, a little self-conscious, thinks maybe there has to be a better way to articulate all of what he’s feeling, the ups and downs, the way his soul still craves Minhyuk like an addiction he can’t quit. “I have you, don’t I?”

Changkyun grins at him, and it eases the yearning in his heart, somewhat, filing in the spaces in the some tiny, some large cracks of his being with light, “You always will.”

(One of the things they do during the week is spend an entire day gathering all the Hyuk-related goods that both of them had amassed over the years. “We should donate them to someone,” Hyungwon says, when they’re finally done, the pile embarrassingly, horrifically large. “It seems like it’d be environmentally unfriendly to just get rid of them.”

“Or we could just start a bonfire and burn all of this trash,” is Changkyun’s counter-suggestion.

They settle on a happy middle: “Bye bitch bye,” Changkyun intones, as they drop it all in the trash, although not before he defaces every single photocard and poster with ugly squiggles.)

-

 _Unknown Number  
_ Hello Hyungwon-ssi  
This is Minji  
I got your number from Hyunwoo-ssi  
I found out what happened  
And wanted to apologise for the hurt that I must have given you  
I know it may not be enough, but I sincerely apologise  
If it’s not too much to ask, I hope we can be friends one day too

-

_[BREAKING] H.ONE RETURNS WITH MIX-TAPE, “A MILLION LITTLE TIMES”_

_H. One surprises fans by marking his return with a mix-tape, titled ‘a million times’. Released under his name, Hyungwon, the mix-tape is markedly different from his usual music. The collection is made up of 8 songs, and is an exploration of the dark side of romance and the way you lose yourself in it._

_With lyrics like ‘even before you ask, i’ve signed myself over to you / my hand shakes as i spell out my name / in ink as dark as the promises you’ve made me / i’d betray my heart a million little times for you’, it is different than what we’d thought he’d write. Either way, we’re just happy to welcome him back! And we can see his fans are too because all the tracks in H. One’s previous album ‘home light’ has soared into the top 50 of all the music charts._

Hyungwon’s phone buzzes, lighting up with a new notification. He’s been getting messages the whole day since the news broke. It’d been an honest surprise to him as well, the way that the mix-tape was receiving so much attention. After returning to Gwangju, he’d just pitched it to Hyunwoo, and then later, Moon Line Ent, that it would just be a side-project, while he started preparing for come-back. Hyunwoo had agreed immediately, knowingly, even as Hyungwon explained, as if the sole purpose of the entire project wasn’t just catharsis, _it’ll just be a nice gift for the fans, since they’ve been waiting for a while._

And perhaps because he’s just the slightest bit overwhelmed by the attention, Hyungwon has been swiping away most of the texts, choosing instead to lie boneless on his bed.

But before he can dismiss the new notification though, the sender’s name catches his eye: _Hyuk-sunbaenim._

His stomach lurches, as if he’s suddenly in total free-fall on a roller-coaster with no end in sight. It takes a second, his thumb hovering over the notification, hesitating. But he taps on it and opens their conversation.

 _Hyuk-sunbaenim  
_ told you, didn’t i?  
how many songs are about me baby

Hyungwon’s phone slips out of his hand, and falls onto the floor with a clatter. It’s only when he feels a tightness in his chest, that he realises he’s been holding his breath. There’s a black fuzz around his vision, a tunnel closing in slowly onto the word: _Hyuk, Hyuk, Hyuk._

He takes a deep breath in and tries to steady his shaking hand - 

(hates that even now, he can’t deny the way his heart had leapt for the slightest moment, seeing Minhyuk’s name, the rush of serotonin that comes with the word _baby_ , wrapped up with the nausea of knowing what would come next if he sinks into this deceptive comfort again)

\- he takes another breath, and another, until the black spots dancing around his vision fade away. 

Here is what he sees when he can see again: 

  * his phone, still lit up with Minhyuk’s last text _baby_ burning into the screen; 
  * his notebook and his pen, lying on the floor, where he’d casually discarded them the previous night, too sleepy to continue writing; 
  * a polaroid that had slipped out of his notebook: he had taken it with Hyunwoo, Hoseok and Kihyun, on an impulsive outing to get ice-cream, one day after he’d finished recording his last song for the mix-tape, because _you deserve this after working so hard!_ , they’re grinning wide at the camera, holding up their melting ice-cream cones; 
  * his sandals on the floor, a gift from Changkyun before he left back for Seoul, _it seemed like something you’d like_ , and Hyungwon had balked at the price, translating it he numbers of cups of ramen the younger boy had to have given up for it; 
  * and on his wrist, a beaded bracelet from Minji, delivered through Hyunwoo with a handwritten note attached to it: _one day, we could be friends, don’t you think_?



Hyungwon breathes out slowly, and it feels good. He knows he could be being overdramatic, but it feels like he’s expelling a nameless, formless substance from his body. He picks up his phone and reads Minhyuk’s message once more, _how many songs are about me baby_. 

It hurts, he can’t deny how his heart twists in his chest (he knows that it’ll keep hurting and hurting for a long while, before one day, the pain just hums like a dull throb, and then fades away into nothing), but he does it: he deletes the conversation and he deletes Minhyuk’s number from his phone. 

(Something like a giggle bubbles up in his chest - it’s almost underwhelming the way he’s removed Minhyuk from his address book like that.)

Then he picks up his pen and his notebook, and he writes. 

They come easily - words that feel like they’ve been waiting a while to be told:

 _if you were the haunter, i was the haunted  
_ _your name was a prayer for us special prey  
_ _today, i exorcise you, you’re free to go_  
_wherever whoever you want, i excise my love  
_so know this, from now, i set myself free

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this crazy monster of a fic!!! i'd never thought i'd write something as long (in one shot) as this, but hey, you suprise yourself, you know. anyway, a few things:
> 
> first - i apparently started writing this in may, which i find incredible because time this year has been a weird thing
> 
> second - honestly, this was a hard fic to write, and do let me know if i should tag anything else, because i did have quite a long thought about the tags
> 
> third - this song was lowkey inspired by illicit affairs by taylor swift
> 
> fourth - come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/legofroggo), if you want to chat! and it'd be cool if you'd leave a comment and feed my need for affirmation
> 
> have a great day lovelies!


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